Holidays should be about taking it easy with a fair bit of lozzocking about instead of running around frantically like a sand crab. Wellness and mindfulness is high up the agenda these days so I need to put the reluctance and doubt behind me and embrace the opportunities.
Open minded to new ideas, I decided to offer my body and soul to a tried and trusted local Chinese alternative medicinal practice that offered a variety of holistic healing claiming benefits to my health not to mention increased energy, improved blood circulation and correction of any hormonal imbalances I may have.
It’s been going since 2500 BC, and it’s an ancient type of zone massage perfected by Egyptians.
I’m no expert but Iv read up a bit so let me explain.
By rubbing your feet in different places, these ‘zones’ correlate with different organs in your body so, for instance, if you are struggling with ‘belly wazz’ you just need someone to rub around the back of your heel and up your achilles and ‘hey presto’, no more flatulence!
Let’s give it a go…
A plastic washing up bowl, full of water, was placed on the floor in front of me by a lovely Chinese looking lady with petite, soft looking hands and polished nails. I was instructed to place both feet in it. After 5 minutes soaking, the tiny masseuse dried my feet and set about the mood enhancing process.
OMG…
She grabbed me by the big toe and with her cadaverous, bony fingers she tweaked, twisted and rived her way up the ball of my left foot, applying so much pressure with her thumb and forefinger that I let out a pathetic yelp.
She offered no restraint, instead more pressure was applied with her ape like knuckles, now along my insole, and bent my foot back to almost the point of dislocation.
I grimaced and whimpered again to let her know she was torturing my vital tendons but to no avail…
She ignored my twisted, contorted, grimacing face and continued on in her holistic quest.
rive
/rʌɪv/
verb
past tense: rived
- LITERARYsplit or tear apart violently."My poor feet were riven apart by the ordeal "
I look up at the clock, Christ…only ten minutes in and my poor bony foot has had most of the muscle separated from the bone and any cartilage that was attached, has now been remoulded and re-aligned. As she dug her sharp nails in, almost piercing the skin, more pressure was applied to my heel and shin simultaneously.
The towel came out and I thought I was done, but no, she used it like a weapon to wrap my toes in to be able to gain more leverage as she attempted, one by one, to pull off all of my toes, wrenching them out individually from the socket.
I start to wonder what organ will benefit from this intense persecution being applied to my trotters?
Now fist punching my calf and digging her elbow into my ankle ligaments at the same time, the onslaught was relentless.
At last it was half time…at least I had a couple of minutes to regain my composure before the second half on the other foot….
Finally, it ended and I settled up the nominal fee and hobbled off out into the street, clutching my sandals as my poor, swollen, battered tootsies could bear no more and could now no longer provide me with basic support, balance and mobility.
This should work better…a bit of Maximo Park to sooth the ears!
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