Punky Reggae Party...

There is something about accepting invites to functions that you know nothing about or why or what they are really for. So filled with trepidation at being the only Englishman since the battle of Flodden in 1513 to be allowed in the heart of Hawick, to help celebrate the ardent Scottish tradition of riding the Borders to keep out the pesky, good-for-nothing English we found ourselves seated at the top table as guests of the newly elected Hawick Cornet.

Now, with the unsuspected enemy secreted within, the night got underway as we were piped in amidst much cheering and clapping by the local drum and fife band and seated as honoured guests of the Cornet and Cornets Lass. 

Being sat on the top table we were entertained vocally with songs of liberation and honour of thwarted heroes of old, described through banner waving laments and tales of valour and bloodshed, twixt the banks of the River Teviot and the Auld toon O' Hawick. All sung passionately by elderly reivers who in turn ignited the fires in the bellies of the gathered parochial crowd encouraging them to start linking arms and swaying back and forth to the rousing rebellious chorus.

Our hospitable hosts had thoughtfully provided bottles of free spIrits to refresh the weary riders and the tipple of the town initially seemed to be dark rum and creamy cold milk cocktail ...?

With a few rum milkshakes under our belt we progressed on to the gin and whisky as the conversation moved at pace through politics and Brexit to the nationalisation of the railways and the state of the NHS....No-one mentioned dear old Blighty or the Conservatives so our cover remained intact.

The MC typically thanked all the wrong people and amusingly made one or two politically incorrect comments before handing over to the 'band' on the stage to move the night on to the next level.

'The band' consisted of one bloke with a guitar that he used to strum along and sing to backing tracks played through a PA of modern classics of yesteryear including 

musical gems by 'The Dooleys', 'Dolly Parton' and most of Neil Diamond's greatest hits circa.1973.

There is something quite charming and amusing about watching 200 wizened old white haired bingo players descend on to a dance floor, leaving their walking sticks and zimmers under the tables to shuffle about energetically, while waving their
scrawny arms about and singing along, word perfect to......the Killers!

The heady mix of alcoholic milk, sanatogen and cheesy disco hits brought more wrinklies up out of their seats to compete in a very poker faced fashion for the serious formation shoop shoop dancing. This had the added highlight of watching, what turned out to be a local fella, who had also quite obviously had more than a few milkshakes, trying to step, jump, hop and turn in time but in totally the opposite direction to everyone else and much to the disgust of the professional elders.

Our parochial crowd now emptied the dance floor in droves as 'The Band' launched mistakenly into Bob Marley's 'No Woman No Cry'. With the only brown face in the place for the last hundred years being a woman who had over done it with the spray tan, the reggae number, I have to say, didn't go down too well with the locals and to get them all back he then had to follow it swiftly with a rendition of "well I would walk a thoosand miles..." a well known ditti by the well endowed Scottish Proclaimer twins!

Towards the end of the night an old lass in a flowery frock that had had one too many Cherry B's and overdid it to Chubby Checker's 'Lets twist again' and landed in a heap and got herself 'rigged' on the dance floor and that was the last thing she would remember...

OMG...what a laugh!

With songs of 'Up Wi Auld Hawick' and the 'Mosstroopers Lament' ringing in our ears we left at a quarter to two in the morning. No-one had tried to chop off my head or string me up in the town square for being an English foeman but it was time to leave them to carry on as we poured ourselves into a waiting taxi for our journey 'hame' having had one of the most amusing and enjoyable nights out for a while.

Cheers to All.

Today's track has to be Bob Marley and the Wailers track, doesn't it?