Doing the right thing...
As the last of the dried up turkey is shoved under a crust and the merry throng of swearing, inebriated louts bring in the New Year by letting off fireworks in our wheelie-bin, snapping off the top of the towns Christmas tree and pissing and fighting in the alleyways on their way home from the taverns and cells,
the cold, empty streets are cold and empty once more....thank God!
It’s over...
It’s a New Year so it requires a new positive approach, from me at least...who else can you rely on to lead the way into a new decade?
My old-age ailments prevented me at the back end of last year from the early qualifying rounds of the Worlds Strongest Man. So as I sit on the sofa and enjoy the final I am reminded during the adverts that I should also think about an over 50’s plan as my untimely death now approaches fast anyway. I should now focus on whether I can afford the box of matches to light the flames or alternatively do I consider ordering an artisan willow weaved box to allow the worms to feast on my rotting corpse to help aid my path to the afterlife. Either way, I apparently need to ring the advertised free-phone number to check my Experian credit score so they can promptly relieve me directly, with a cheerful smile, of any equity I have in order to pay for my forthcoming ⚰️ funeral and spiralling spiritual costs that I would automatically and unfortunately incur.
Crikey...It’s getting close, that bloke on the ad looks younger than me and has grey hair too...I could be near the end....it’s time this owd lad went for a check up at the quacks...I need to do the right thing before I get the tap on the shoulder by the tall fella with the hedgecutter...
A few days later, with my troublesome tennis elbow now re-classified as non-life threatening and my posted pooh sample results back as ‘gluten-free’, the response level is reset to ‘amber’ as I await only the blood samples to be clear of the Chlorophyll and chlamydia and a new bionic eye then I will once again have a clean bill of health in which to start the decade....in earnest or wherever!
With my New Years positive energy and a new lease of life in my old bones I follow the crowds and head down to the exciting pastime that is the New Years sales. Having never been that bothered before, I’m inspired in the crush to panic buy stuff at will and spend, spend, spend knowing that I now have my whole sorry life ahead of me to pay for it at a variable interest free rate of 17.9% above inflation subject to contract and all the time in the world to enjoy my spoils.
Life is too short I think to myself and before you can say money supermarket dot com I’m coming back with great deals I had never really attributed to Christmas before like super fast fibre broadband, a Bensons double bed, a fantastic new hoover that sucks at 300psi and a red Nissan Juke...
...the more I spent the more I realised I needed, so my next purchase for the baby Jesus was a subscription to online bingo, a new boiler, 160 gigabytes of data and a half price cruise holiday to the Caribbean in September with an unbelievable 200 euros of onboard credit.
Penniless, tired and weary I collapse back on the sofa to stuff the last of the mince pies down my throat and mistakenly look down at my over-extended torso at the flabby rolls hanging down like pigs testicles in wet blankets. A sad result of all the festive over indulging on fried lobster, caviar, vintage port, raw clams and chocolate blancmange.
If I’m going to look my best In 2020 I need to make amends....
First, I need a plan...no wrong...first I need a book about a plan, preferably endorsed by a TV celebrity Iv never heard of, that can guide my new lifestyle change and inform me how I can lose 3 stone in a week by only sucking on a blanched carrot and making meat and potato pies using only a 3D printer.
I pride myself with having no food wasted after Christmas so as I fill my ‘Nutri-bullet’ gift with the remaining boiled sprouts, 6 after eights and the dregs of the brandy I sit down with my nutritious New Years smoothie but realise that I need to do more...maybe exercise a bit more? Jog round the park or take up badminton?
Yes, I can do that too...but I need to act fast.
I pick up the phone and book myself on a healthy option all-you-can eat spa weekend and sign up for the new weekly ‘Blubbercise’ class run by Barbara next to the chippy. It’s only a pound a week and the winner gets a voucher for a free battered sausage!
More telly...
Another advert tells me to Join the RSPB so I can wander about in the pissing rain jotting down how many sparrows and influenza-riddled pigeons have survived the frozen winter or sit gawping out the window and recording how many tits I can see...(Oi...grow up!)
Climate change? What should I do about that then for the baby Jesus?
If only there was a young child or a meerkat to lead the way on what to do?
Well I did watch the new Worzel Gummidge, so that’s a start.
Well personally, I’m going to stop listening to young, annoying fat-faced/ginger-haired singer songwriters with mind numbingly boring ballads in the hope that they go away and maybe other stuff too...I know, il stop eating soft cheese, buy only frozen vegetables from now on and refrain from shouting at ‘Alexa’ in a morning ..that should help...
...should I listen more to Radio 4, get a pet plan or lend support to struggling high street cafes?...the dilemma!...if everyone does their bit then we could maybe get on top of it and stop it raining all the time in Scotland...#indyrefmyarse...that would be a great result.
Ho, Hum
As all the decorations and unwanted festive crap gets packed up, photographed and stuck on Gumtree for some other unsuspecting turkey to enjoy, we can look forward to Easter eggs and beyond with the hope that mankind will survive the fire and brimstone that presently ravages the earth🌍 🍳
Good will to all souls and see you all soon.
Auguri
Doing the right thing....a song by the indie band ‘Daughter’ and a track off their 2nd album in 2016. Enjoy the track here.
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