Hurt...

“I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair...”

GoodFriday is a very important day for Christians of every faith as they all believed that JC also known as the incarnation of God was horrifically crucified by the Romans on a hill outside Jerusalem. 

Nothing says Easter like a weekend celebration of torture and resurrection!

Jesus died for everyone. 

So at this time it is important to ask the question.

What have the Romans’ ever done for us?

Well you have to look on the bright side and also on the internet to find out, so as Im an agnostic doubting Thomas and not that au-fait with all things religious, I had to do a bit of research here....

They reckon that Easter started when Jesus invited all his mates round for a Friday Night Dinner but on a Thursday night in his crib in downtown Jerusalem. About twenty lads rocked up including Judas Priest, Sam Shepherd, Brian the messiah, Travis Perkins and brothers Zebadee, Dylan and Ermintrude. JC used his “Did somebody say Just Eat.....oooh!” App and ordered a massive curry banquet. As they settled down to eat, Leonardo Da Vinci, a local inventor and painter was asked to capture the party.

One of the lads, guitarist, Judas Priest, turned out to be the first ever vegetarian so, unlike his carpenter and fisherman mates, he wasn’t impressed with the spicy lamb Bhuna and a fight broke out. Neighbours called the authorities and the Roman carabinieri carted off JC for a night in the cells.

The next day was re-named Black Friday and JC was found guilty in the morning and marched up the hill for a flogging. On the way he helped a fella with a cross called Simon of Cerene but then sneaky Si promptly ran off and JC was left with the heavy burden to cart up Hamburger hill.

By 3’o’clock it was all over for the King of the Jews

Or was it....

It gets a bit sketchy with the detail after that so I researched Easter further for clues by watching the benchmark British gangster classic ‘The Long Good Friday’. I have to say it’s a great performance by London gangsta ‘Bob Hoskins’ who’s career went on to present the people of Judiah’s favourite teatime show, ‘Blockbusters’ through the eighties and right up to his death 

in 2012. 

“Nothing unusual,” he says! Eric’s been blown to smithereens, Colin’s been carved up, and I’ve got a bomb in me casino, and you say nothing unusual ?”

Great line from the film and a few more hours wasted but It didn’t enlighten me about the Easter risings so much....so back to Google!

The man on the cross. There was no Christ!

Really??

Can you see how I was brought up confused?

And still am at 54...

There are many disbelieving dropouts like Scientologists, Quakers and Jehovah’s that would argue that ‘Brian’ was the true messiah as he was born just one stable down but this was condemned as blasphemous when it was released in 1980.

Nowadays in nearby Ireland 🇮🇪 the Catholic faith healers take Easter a lot more seriously...

Them little fellas are condemned to a day of forced abstinence and they don’t let the women shave as it is most unlucky to draw blood on the day of the Crucifixion.

Blacksmiths, carpenters and probably Bin-men stay idle for the whole day while Joiners and brickies do not use a saw or hammer nor drive a nail on the day Christ was nailed to the Cross...I think power-tools are ok but I’d just check first!

They also believe that a child born on Good Friday and baptised on Easter Sunday is thought to have the cure for tapeworm and that anyone being barefoot at Easter is also guaranteed freedom from colds for the rest of the year....handy to know at this time! They go on to celebrate the weekend by washing their feet and tucking into a traditional dish of nettles, turnips, cabbage and herring....no wonder Bob Geldof wasn’t keen on Monday’s at his house!

In other flesh pots around the world at Easter, cigar smoking Columbians tuck into iguana, turtles and big rodents for lunch while in the jungles of Papua New Guinea they hand out fags to kids and in the Philippines self-crucifixion and self-flagellation is the order of the day and trending nicely on twittagram. 

Over in Finland they totally missed the point and celebrate Halloween 🎃 by dressing up as witches and at the other end of the world the All-Blacks in the New Zealand town of Otago grab their guns every year for the annual ‘Great Easter Bunny Hunt’....literally!

So whatever you end up doing, please remember to do it inside, save the NHS and save lives....or we will send round the new Messiah to sort you out!

 

My track today for the blog is an old ‘Nine Inch Nails’ song that was covered here and became even better than the original...just poignant and wonderful!