Keep on Rockin’ in the Free World...

What is wrong with The world these days?

The whole place is in turmoil...

I have just turned the idiot lantern on again for some uplifting festive cheer and there is Old MotherTeresa, the leader of the free world, stood there looking very old and grey and sporting a pained expression like she had just passed a big milestone...her backbench backstoppers voted her to go through to the next round but already I can hear the dulcet tones of Sir Allan of Sugar telling her ‘“It’s with great regret, but I’m going to be quite blunt...You’re a lightweight....You’re Fired! “

As temperatures plummet across Europe the vultures are circling and no-one seems to be in control of their own destiny?

The Italian mafia have said that they are not going to supply any more drugs for the festive period unless Arch angel Angela of Mirkleshire stops sending them migrants. 

In retaliation she has posted a selfie on Salvini’s Facebook page from the late night fling they had at the last G20 summit in Hamburg.

In The Netherlands, all the dykes with all the butt-plugs can’t even stop the hard Brexit from being shoved up to the backstop....and them boys know a thing or two about sticking things in holes...

The Spaniardio’s are having a quiet siesta after hastily making up beds for all the old wrinklies from all the cold, frosty EU countries to migrate there for their winter suntans, to drink copious amounts of sangria and save a bit on their hiked-up winter gas bills.

It’s also cooled down now in French France, after the heat of the summer sparked the ‘Ark de Triumph’ riots that were swamped with them pesky ‘Yella-bellies’ jumping around, complaining about the environment and the extortionate price of croissants in Paris which is now causing a backlog of Brie and triggering another amendment to give more bouts of indigestion to the festive constitution.

Across the pond, in the Islamic States of America the Red-knecked Trumpers have already snaffled the turkey for the Thanksgiving giving day and will be thanking the lord again when they get that fence up to stop them meddlin’ moustachio’d Mexicans....Amen brother!

In Ireland a backstop is not just for Christmas...but no-one knows what it is or where to stick it?...maybe ask a Catholic priest?

And as for the the Un-United Kingdom of Doom, the annual budget is on the Barclaycard, the Queen is dead....is she?,...well nearly! Are we in? are we out? The big bake off has buggered off while the Brexit bandwagon rumbles on with a clueless bunch of part-time drivers heading us into our own made oblivion.

As the snow starts to fall festive revellers in high spirits with high levels of intoxication had better watch out, and better be ware cos’ without a ‘Withdrawal agreement’ they risk office party pregnancies and higher taxes on childcare come the New Year, that is if what is left of the government ‘remains’....

At this very special time of the year lets just have some hands across the water, eh?

First let’s raise a glass of French toast to ‘No Brussels’ at Christmas. 

Then why not sink a few negronis in Naples instead of migrant boats, 

have a sneaky Bellini with a Belgian, sing a Christmas carol with a Canadian,

Share a a box of ‘Novichoc’ chocolates with an Oligarch, 

Pull a cracker with a Croat,

Roast your chestnuts with a Chinaman

Eat pie with a Thai

Play twister with a Transylvanian transvestite,

Have an Absinthe with an Albanian 

Wrap tinsel round a Turk

Bring coal to a Pole

Dine with a Dane

Basically, just try to get on with folk....its not that difficult.

This is not just any world,...this is our delicious, diet-free, drizzled canapé of a capitalist, screwed-up world...brought to you exclusively by Donald T for Turkey Trump...

 

Peace and Love ....

‘Keep on rocking in the Free World’....a monster of a track that if turned up loud enough will make all this shit go away...please try it. Thanks to Neil Young once again...a great man with morals....and great rockin’sojgs with timeless lyrics.

https://youtu.be/TnAgc1kgvLc

Drink the Elixir...

elixir

/ɪˈlɪksə,ɪˈlɪksɪə/

noun

1. 1. 

   
   

   a magical or medicinal potion.

   "an elixir guaranteed to induce love"

   
   

   

   synonyms:

   potion, concoction, brew, philtre, decoction;

When you have collected all the olives you have to get them to the local frantoia.

These places are dedicating to processing the olives into oil and can get very busy. You need to book a slot so that you know the time your olives will go through the system so that you can be ready to collect the ‘Elixir’ at the end. 

We arrived early and had the first slot.

The weighed olives are tipped down a hole and sent up a belt to have any leaves blown away, then washed and augered up into several macerators before finally being pressed to death to make beautiful green peppery olive oil.

For every 100kg, (quintale)of olives you get about a 14% ratio of oil, so about 14 litres.

Bon appetito...

RIP Pete Shelley...always great to hear ur stuff!

Drink the Elixir was by a nice little Britpop indie band from 1995 ‘Salad’, which would be perfect for drizzling Tuscan olive oil on....see what I did there?

I used to love the scratchy guitars on this.....enjoy again here.

https://youtu.be/vV8QvsC68lk

Shaker maker...

‘Raccogliere le olive’

For the uninitiated, the olive harvesting in Tuscany goes on from October to December every year and peaks around tupping time, November 5th when absolutely everybody, whether they have olives or not, get out their nets, boxes, trailers and stand under their trees. It’s in their blood here and they can’t stop doing it and talking about it....everybody...everywhere!

All the olives that are picked here are for processing, usually at the local frantoia, and pressed to turn them into a delicious green, peppery oil and it’s big, big business. You can forget that crap stuff you buy at the Lidl, this is the real deal.

You need a few tools to do the job:

Paletti = stakes for holding the edges of the net to stop the buggers rolling away.

Cassetti = boxes take about 25kg and this year, with a bumper crop, one decent tree can fill 3 of these!

Rete Olivastra= a bloody big net!

Rastrelli = little rakes to use by hand to strip the olives off the branches.

Carri Carri = a cart or a donkey(chooka)...that’s the one on the left!

And lots of energy....it’s tiring work!

Today we are high up in the olive terraces again, in a beautiful garden with about 90 more trees to go...

We are averaging about 30 trees per day.

For the purists among you, turn off now because unless you have a spare two months there is no way that you can pick this many olives by hand so we have to have get the big power-tools out to give a helping hand....so to speak!

The ‘macchina di olive’, A mechanical aid connected to a battery with strong fingers that flick up and down and shake, rattle and roll the olives off the trees.

Today’s first weapon of choice is the ‘Tickler’ with a sleek, long slim shaft giving fast, long, deep strokes, perfect for teasing off the olives from the smaller trees, a snip at about €500 and does a pretty decent job.

For the bigger jobs we have the ‘climax’, a more heavy duty model that is better suited for the ‘larger lady’ as it’s carbon fingers are more powerful, and it’s 33 voltage can flick your olive off very easily and it comes with the added bonus that it doesn’t get stuck in a thick bush the same.....that’s worth the extra €300 dobbers!

Both models give a fully enjoyable experience for the user as long as you have a powerful battery, a firm grip and steady hand...

One downside is that by using a ‘tool’ you are more likely to get ‘tanti foglie’, which sounds like an STI but it just means that you just get loads more leaves and twigs in your nets, and this unfortunately just can’t be helped!

A quick word concerning health and safety........there, that’s that sorted then, but then saying that, if you get one in the eye from a great height you will know about it...been there, got at least half a dozen ‘T’ shirts.

Once the olives have flown off the trees in every direction the next job is to collect up the big nets and fill up the boxes.

The olives are emptied through a machine here that separates them from the leaves 

as they fall past a fan and you are left with a nice, clean crate of olives ready to go to 

the frantoia.

Lunch or ‘Pranzo’ is a welcome break and is always a ‘celebration’ with a table full of local food, bread, meats, cheeses, fagioli, salsicci, bruschetta, panettone, birra ,vino, grappa and good banter.

Frantoia blog next week.....hopefully!

‘Shaker maker’ is a great track way back when Oasis were great, this one off the first album.

https://youtu.be/LiAK3AD_HsU

Hey Hey, My My outa the blue and... (into the black)

Here you find us today in the Upper reaches of the Okavango delta...

....through the morning mist a rare glimpse of a native hornbill and the eerie haunting call of a young lonely male Orangutan can be heard in the misty distance....

Ho..ho...only joking...not really....high up but still in Umbria. Quite atmospheric with the clouds still hanging about after all the recent rain...it’s been as wet as a tramps vest for the last few days!

As the year starts to close, the wine and the oil has been pressed and bottled, the warm sunshine has retired and the vast woods have started to change to a golden colour, while large flocks of birds gather to fly off for their holidays and we find ourselves winding down with the clock...

It’s quite a change from the summer and sorta feels quite sad....

Still...there’s more to the picture than meets the eye....

But look on the bright side....It’s Black ‘feckin’ Fridey!!.....Whoop, ‘Feckin’ Whoop!!

You can’t escape the Black Fridey madness...it’s gone absolutely crazy here today with unlimited free entry into the mercato in the little piazza for everyone!

Folk have been queued all night, three times around the parcheggio, for a whopping 20% off all porchetta butties, Prosecco under half price, New olive oil at knockdown prices, Massive savings on huge Panetone’s, Unbeatable Deals on great big lumps of Parmigiano, a total mental frenzy on Grappa and Nutella, Amazing one-off, never to be repeated offers on winter logs and cardigans. You like Pizzas?...get this....any size, any topping..half price!....wow!...and that’s not all....Reduced and ‘locally produced’ mozzarella prices are slashed, with fresh celery and parsley discounted and for one day only they are giving away hot-roasted chestnuts and an unbelievable buy one - get one free deal on all incense sticks and candles until Sunday...while stocks last!

Conditions apply and finance available so you can buy everything now and pay for it for the rest of your sad, weary life...sorry, but migrants'. need not apply!

...they give you this but you pay for that....

If you don’t believe me you can check out all the latest offers here....

https://camelcamelcamel.com/

Absolutely no camels were hurt in this gluttonous shopping frenzy...

And remember...a camel is not just for Christmas!

...and once your gone you can’t come back...

It will probably end up being a Black Saturday too here...the Azzurri take on the lesser known team the ‘Nuova Zealanda’ tomorrow in the Olympic Stadium in Rome and I don’t fancy their chances much....still, we once beat them!🔥!

...it’s better to burn out than to fade away....eh Peter?

https://youtu.be/0O1v_7T6p8U

This is quite obviously Neil Young and with his band ‘Crazy Horse’ with a full on guitar fuelled version played with passion as it always should be...always brilliant...enjoy!

Nothing in the way...

Still on my tour of Umbria, today’s destination was the walled medieval town of Montone, a tiny hilltop commune with less than two thousand folk.

It’s getting colder now but it’s lovely visiting these places at the end of the season when all the tourists have gone home! This tiny place was peaceful and quiet and incredibly clean and tidy and nothing in the way of a photo opportunity!

A pleasant morning ramble up the tiny winding streets and a peek over the old walls to the bigger white topped hills in the distance and then back down to the piazza for a coffee.

Today’s blog choice track is ‘Nothing in the Way’....a song by a guy calling himself, Ghostpoet off his 2015 album ‘Shedding Skin’...a great song and a great voice.

Audio only I’m afraid here...enjoy.

https://youtu.be/V0az9TZG9i4

House of Pain...

Pack it up, pack it in, let me begin...

Today was an autumnal stroll up to the monastery at the top of the holy mountain of Monte Corona in Umbria, past an abundance of parasol 🍄 mushrooms in what may be the last of the sunshine with my canine companions. 

In the far distance I could hear the hunters .....

...shooting at the Cinghiale in the dense woods...

we plodded on...

High up on the top of the hill it was built back in 1530 and it was the home of the Camal-toe monks (apparently!) until 1861 

and now it’s become a ‘house of pain’ (apparently!) for the 

monks that now support the brothers of Bethlehem, the Assumption and Frank Bruno!....you couldn’t make it up? But don’t take my word for it, look it up yourself like I had to here....

http://bethleem.org/

Along the way I asked myself some questions....

What is man?

   What is the meaning, the aim of our life?

   Which is the road to true happiness?

   What, finally, is that ultimate inexpressible mystery which encompasses our existence:

   whence do we come, and where are we going? 

                                                                                               NOSTRA ÆTATE §1

I thought that when I got there, I would ask someone who had all these answers and seek enlightenment but I’m afraid it was closed....just silence!....on a bloody Sunday as well!....I ask you!

Anyway, I knew the answer to the last question....I was going back down following the 172 path that led back to the tiny Borgo Santa Giuliana.

On my return and feeling tired I sought solace in drink and enjoyed some retro American hip-hop from the 90’s.....Cheers Monte Corona!

This song was played ‘everywhere’ when I was a lad and when I hear it today it still makes me smile....’Jump Around’ by the ‘House of Pain’.

https://youtu.be/XhzpxjuwZy0

Don’t look back into the sun...

The quintessential image of Tuscany has got to be the fields and fields of beautiful bright yellow 🌻 🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻...during July and August this is most definitely a simply wonderful sight.

"A sunflower field is like a sky with a thousand suns." said someone, once...

A Sunflower is the only flower with flower in its name ??....really, does a cauli-flower not count?....and sunflowers 🌻 are the symbol of faith, loyalty and adoration.

Even a beardy, suicidal, ear-less Dutch fella called Vincent Van Gogh liked them, it's just a pity he wasn't any good at painting as his childlike brushwork only managed to create some worthless and terribly horrid impressions on oily canvasses back in the hedonistic late 1880's...probably have turned out better if he had laid off the absinthe a bit too...

I digress....

The scientific name for sunflowers is helianthus. "Helia" means sun and "anthus" is another word for ......Errrr....flower.?....i think that's right?

To be honest, I find the the huge numbers of the large wired heliotropes quite sinister and I don't trust them at all....standing there staring at the sun....plotting....probably....

And it would appear I am not alone...

"Is it normal that I have a fear of things that look oversized, like oversized sunflowers. I like them if they're a normal, but any thing that is overgrown scares the life out of me... my heart beats fast and I feel faint. Two streets away a neighbour has a giant sunflower in her front garden. It has grown to the height of the bedroom windows... freaks me out when I walk past, but most of the time I avoid tht street. Does any one else feel the same way?...." asks some thick, paranoid American...

It's only a bit of Helianthophobia...I tell myself...

..and a quick google search uncovered more fruit loops including this celestial, unhinged individuals phobia which even the Lord Jesus Christ couldn't help...

http://hkristenfrancis.blogspot.com/2014/01/why-sunflowers-scare-me-edited

You guessed it....another American!

But then this one takes it to another level....

....a charming lady who, and I quote "shits her pants" when she sees one...really??... you crazy, irrational fool....American by any chance?

http://theonlythingtofearisfearitself.blogspot.com/2008/12/jen.html

Following this research, I have now developed my own phobia.....Coprophobia

....being trapped in a field of sunflowers 🌻 with a fuckwit that shits herself....

Fear of faeces is termed "coprophobia," a word derived from the Greek "kopros" (dung) and "phobos" (fear).

Get me outa here!!

Don't look back into the sun....a wonderful scratchy guitar track by a favourite indie band 'The Libertines'...turn it up loud!

Wait for it........Yaaaaaaahh!

https://youtu.be/jLYsIESNtUc