Protection...

Have you ever been mis-sold PPE?

Don’t miss out, you will need to claim by end of 2020 if you have bought any PPE stupidly or by mistake.

Did you go to B&Q for a tin of Dulux emulsion and accidentally end up being sold an FFPP3 face mask?

Or maybe you nipped into Travis Perkins for some quarter inch plumbing pipe and came away with a box of green nitrile 🧤 gloves?

Then you have been mis-sold this needless PPE and we want to hear from you.

This needs to stop!

Presently, with an unprecedented global demand for PPE the government has pledged to do ‘Whatever it takes’ to stop anyone who doesn’t not work for the NHS from buying, wearing and supplying these valuable resources.

So if you have been hoarding stocks in your airing cupboard for your occasional trips down to the Coop then you are one of the many idiots that have caused this whole sorry affair.

PPE can give valuable protection when painting and decorating, gardening and digging but under these new measures these jobs will now need to be done without any Health & Safety considerations.

Our watchdogs have prepared a handy guide for you to start completing DIY jobs successfully without using any PPE. With a little care, combined with inexperience and stupidity it is possible to complete most DIY jobs quite shoddily and in a dangerous fashion without any namby-pamby eye protection, helmets or steel toe capped boots.

Under new government legislation the use of all PPE will now be banned and anyone caught flouncing around in hi-viz jackets or wearing ear protectors will be asked politely by the local constabulary to remove them and failing that will be asked again.

Arco will close immediately and Screwfix will withdraw all protective equipment from their Spring/Summer catalogues. From today, all H&S inspectors will be re-trained under a new government apprenticeship scheme to work in shorts and T-shirt’s in Wetherspoons.

The World Health Organisation has declared that ladders, cherry pickers and welding 🎭 masks will no longer be allowed and is looking into the total ban of respiratory equipment. The NFU will immediately start an amnesty for farmers to dispose 

of wellies and protective waterproofs with total anonymity.

The message is clear:

Stay home, Don’t use protection and make lives...

You may need soft, sexy, chilled out groove so lay back and enjoy...

From 1994, Massive Attacks ‘Protection’