Sound of the Suburbs...

“This is the sound,

This is the sound of the Suburbs...”

Self Isolating isn’t a new thing, Iv been doing it for ages.

Ever since I decided that the neighbours were a bunch of tossers and I planted a leylandii hedge that grew about 20ft a year for the last 10 years in order to give him a Seasonal Affected Disorder(SAD).

Last week their tortoise crawled into the garden so I rang them and they didn’t seem keen for me to throw it back over so I decided to take the chainsaw to it...not the tortoise, I hasten to add....the hedge!

It’s now only 2ft high about 10ft wide so ideal now for social distancing.

With the hedge gone, and the barrier broken, we are best of friends again now that we have re-connected thanks only to a global pandemic.

This morning I called over and waved to Malcolm as I could hear him practicing his cazoo. He was self- hibernating in his shed, as he was at a loose end, so was making a musical vlog about his screw collection to post on EweTube.

Now we get on really great again.

During this sunny weather he sits in his loose fitting underpants in a low deckchair on his patio and I can lay totally naked in my hammock, knitting a scarf and we chat away about old times. Recapping memories before his missus left him, his alcoholism and before his punk daughter stole our Volkswagen and ran off with the wife’s physio from the hospital.

We have now moved on from the dark days of our annoying neighbourhood disputes, of which there were a few.

Now we can have a laugh when we recalled the time when I threatened to ‘chop off his cock’ if he ever parked his car in front of my bloody drive ever again. He got me back though by sticking a potato up my exhaust pipe during the night....Oh, we did laugh.

“Remember when I caught you watching my new flat screen telly with binoculars?”

“...and how angry I got when I came back from Tenerife early and found you filling your paddling pool with my hosepipe....”

We giggled.

I knew he’d spent years putting his dogs muck in my bin and flicking his snails over into my veg patch.

 “Do you remember when you had that summer barbecue”, he asked....I did...

OMG...I did...

It was midnight on my 40th and he complained to the coppers about the loud reggie and the smoke but it all got a little out of hand when my nephew Derek was ‘wasted’ and ate all the seed out of his bird feeder for a bet and then went for a piss in his fishpond and fell in....

“You did get me back by cutting through my ariel with your hedge-cutters and posting that sex toy through my letterbox on New Years Eve...”

“Have you still got MY hedge-cutters?”

We cracked open another can and the conversation moved on to why he also still had my drill in his shed? I also 

quizzed him on the leaf blower that I lent to him and it never ever worked the same 

again!...still, that’s just water under the bridge.

“How is your son doing?”, I asked....

I wish I hadn’t, as it turns out his old habit of stealing ladies lingerie off the washing lines got steadily worse and he lost his job at Greggs and is now in Her Magesteys Service having been caught in bed with the vicar and a labradoodle one Sunday morning.

A quick game, over the hedge, with the frisbee soon cheered him up again.

“ I’m going to put a longer string on the swing 🎾ball so we can have a knock about” I told him.

...And then I noticed my bloody wheelbarrow propped up against his garage wall..

...not to worry, I bought a better one from B&Q!

We are thinking of having a quiz next week and a virtual run together and if we can remember we are going to have a clap together on the front porch next Friday...

I’m just not going to tell him that I’m still using his WiFi...

“Same old boring Sunday morning old mans out washing the car,
Mums in the kitchen cooking Sunday dinner

Her best meal moaning while it lasts
Johnnys upstairs in his bedroom sitting in the dark,
Annoying the neighbours with his punk rock 🎸 “