Welcome to another Lockdown special....
...I am pleased to announce that my blog is being relaxed so you no longer need to be
2 metres apart, kneeling on anyone’s neck or wearing a mask when you read it...
To be honest I’d got a bit bored watching Sir Matt of Hand-Cock every night so I haven’t been following the news so I thought I’d better catch up before I book my two week extravaganza in the sun.
On first glance the gist of it seemed to be that our trusty government has now got a good handle on the Covid19 situation, all testing targets have been met, everyone has stayed inside and/or alert (apart from one stray idiot that they found wandering around Barnard Castle) and the U.K. is united in its policies and has a clear exit strategy to allow us all to go on holiday again to Magaluff and the Far East....Contingency Planning was now all in place for Covid20 and the shops are stocked back up.
Oh, hang on....but what is this...??
Race riots? Quarantine?
Massive queues for McDonalds?
Second wave of virus?
Traffic jams at beauty spots?
Death of Dumble-Door ?
The country is in chaos....
It’s worse...You can’t buy a hot-tub, barbecue or bicycle for love nor money!
Don’t talk to me about idiots panic buying bedding plants either!
I love the unity that the United Kingdom oozes, In Dublin they are already supping Guinness in the smokey pubs and having weekly ‘Kayleighs’, while the Welsh have cautiously opened a Honda garage and a recycling centre on the outskirts of Cardiff. Nicola’s brave Scots are using a ‘stay at home’ Gps APP and watching Netflix and are still not allowed to eat vegetables while the English have adopted a more ‘mixed-message’ approach with no daylight curfew for the homeless and unlimited walks, with or without a dog, up to 500 miles or the nearest border(albeit adhering to social distancing rules and following a one-way system). Because we have been so good we can now buy cars, cones of chips and play golf as long as it’s not done inside and you can have as many bbq’s as you like as long as you buy the sausages from a local butcher, use contactless payment, and eat them with someone you have known for less than 15 minutes, that doesn’t have a cough, a cat or is boring or has passed a test or is learning to drive wearing nothing but an old pair of spectacles and/or Speedo’s.
If nothing else, this blog has maintained a clear message with no ambiguity which is what these 4 countries (not including the IOM) need to start adhering to....
The PM needs to get a grip...!
Who’s advising him?...it’s as if some dodgy un-apologetic travel blogger is allowing these Cummins and goings and spreading the wrong message to the forgotten souls of the U.K. Commonwealth...what they need is to initiate a 5 phase alert plan system to get us all out of this mess...and bloody quickly or I will personally trigger another lockdown.
Phase1 - send all them pesky kids, of all nationalities, back to school and ban them from beaches, parks and beauty spots.
Phase2 - get them old folk tested and out of the Care homes and into the fields to get some fresh air, picking vegetables and fruit.
Phase 3 - Give the key workers some more overtime and an opportunity to earn more...that way, they can pay more taxes to pay for all the idle sods who are still at home supposedly ‘home-working’!
Phase 4 - in progress
Phase5 - further progress - Zoom meeting TBA.
With this clarity, it will allow all us able-bodied, working class heroes to get out of bed and back on to the streets for an unprecedented stroll without tripping over toddlers and walking sticks, help with social distancing in the Coop and go a long way to improve my mental wellbeing no-end so I can clearly focus on booking a much needed holiday and pedicure appointment.
...and another thing, has everyone forgot where the iron is because there a lot of scruffy buggers hanging around the Coop queues these days!
If you have to come out of your house at least make a bloody effort...it’s your civic duty you lazy sods...
This blog track is an unprecedented new 2020 track by an old lad that was a lead singer in a band I used to really like, “Death Cab for Cutie”...a great band with a great band name...enjoy his new solo track here.
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