Fiesta...

“Come all you rambling boys of pleasure

And ladies of easy leisure

We must say Adios until we see

Almeria once again...”

After the recent storms the weather in Lancashire was looking again rather unsettled with some heavy thundery showers forecast and the temperatures dipping down again to bloody freezing 🥶

So I decided, I’m off....

I scraped the early morning frost off the windscreen and saddled up the old Fiesta to trundle off up to the airport in search of some glorious warm sunshine.

Arriving at the security, in the standard holiday attire, I was duly instructed to take off my bright white trainers, my Sergio Tacchini tracksuit (circa.1985) and remove my industrial headphones 🎧over my alpine bobble hat. After a quick but clammy frisk I skipped nonchalantly straight through the X-ray barrier and continued on into the airport lounge of ‘Wetherspoons’ in just my leopard skin Lycra thong, smudged fake tan and sunglasses 😎.

Jeez, was I ready for a pint or two of Tenants Xtra....

This morning I felt like a winner...

I’d got through security successfully with a box of 350 Yorkshire teabags, 3lb of Cumberland sausage and a bottle of HP brown sauce so now I just needed to pickup two 1litre bottles of vodka and my favourite ‘Hai Karate’ aftershave from the Duty Free and I was in the holiday groove.

A few pints later and it was time to meander over t’Th’EeesyJet departure gate 13 where scary Brenda was not amused with my luggage allowance and insisted that I shed some weight. It took another half an hour, bent over, trying to snap off the wheels and prise off the handle from my case before I could get the bugger to fit into the prescribed baggage scales. 

Apologising to the impatient queue of priority boarders, I ended up also having to leave her with my spare pair of flippers, an inflatable deckchair and 4 loose cans of Weston’s Old Rosie vintage cider before she waved me on to the plane ✈️ 

We accelerated up the runway and entered the fog.

Finally I could relax...

...but then the fat bloke next to me took off his shoes and opened his egg butties 

🥪....Pfhwaar!

“Any drinks or snacks?”.....By now I was Hank Marvin starvin’ so I stuck the recommended ‘Plat du Jour’ aka ‘artisan’ fish and chips 🍟and a half bottle of warm ‘Liebfraumilch’ on the credit card and kicked off my boots too!

...a steal at €36 euros plus bank charges(termsandconditionsapply#53%APR)

I was on my way, Jose...(pronounced ‘Ho-zay’)

Today I’m going to honour you with a perfect holiday tune courtesy of Sir Shane of McGowan and his merry band of little Pogues to get your tiny toes tapping....