Saturday, 21 March 2020

Walking Dynamite...

Sonny tell me 
When you were young you had to fight 
Became the champion 
And you were walkin' dynamite

I’m of the thinking that everyone needs to pull together a bit and help out where they can so with this in mind I contacted the local resilience group to see if anyone needed a hand with owt. It wasn’t long before I got a urgent call to help out walking a dog for a local resident that had unfortunately to stay indoors. 

Great!...I thought, chance to do my civic duty and get out and about in the fresh air with a legitimate excuse.

I lost no time banging the mud off a sturdy pair of winter walking boots, stuffed my compass in a rucksack and quickly studied the topography of the local rural area on a 25000:1 hiking map. I then hurriedly left the house grabbing a sturdy stick and set off for the address with an idea that for this first hike I’d head off up towards the forest, crossing the river over the bridge and exercising the hound up the muddy track that leads on to the wild open fell where it could run free, chasing the local wildlife and retrieving thrown sticks....it was going to be an adventure for both of us and we’d probably bag a pheasant or two if we were lucky...





And then, as I got to the house I had to rethink the whole plan...


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Meet Cloe...

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‘Walking Dynamite’...By the punk band ‘Stiff Little Fingers’....I just had to zip up my coat, put in my headphones and play this track very, very loud...



Thursday, 19 March 2020

Won’t get fooled again...


Looking through the local jobs being advertised this week there seems to be a dramatic change in requests and offers of employment. Up until the last few weeks they seem to have generally only needing an odd tyre fitter, a joiners mate or a few part time gas readers on zero hours contracts.
Now, indeed, I’v noticed a massive upsurge in, shall we say, ‘alternative’ employment! 

It would appear that adverts are now crying out for staff to be urgently needed to cover shortages in medical 🧪 laboratories; permanent positions are available right now for needle wielding phlebotomists in many overworked health centres and a little more alarming and somewhat macabre were the desperately required ‘Casual funeral staff’ and ‘Crematorium Assistants’ on 12 week contracts!!....has someone seen the light?....maybe the future?....the vision?...the bit at the end of the film?

What next?, Morrison’s advertising for burly staff, male/gender fluid/female, that are familiar with the use of cattle-prods to control the wayward hordes of simpletons ‘Hamstering’ large tins of soup and family sized packets of penne? 
Will Tesco and Asda both offer casual full time contracts for freelance accountants to help to count all the ‘unprecedented’ profits? Will Ronald MacDonald start to offer a free breakfast happy ‘Crony-burger’ to all students in self isolation just by using the ‘Just Eat Shite’ app or will unscrupulous online retailers continue to say that they will do ‘Whatever it takes’ to empty your bank account for their promotions of needless emergency purchases?

The grave reality is that local Joiners cant now cope with the heavy demand on them to repair kitchen cupboards that have collapsed under the strain of tinned salmon, fray bentos pies and spaghetti hoops. Worse still, would-be ‘Theatre go-ers’ have now been diverted to help the council empty the bins while the minimum wage staff at Wetherspoons have been forced to take over from tired doctors in the local A&E.

All I can say is that it seemed a lot better before the Brexit...but don’t get me going...
The EU has quite rightly closed its borders on us and experts predict that they will keep them locked until we withdraw our entry from Eurovision and say sorry to the French for producing the (hilarious) 80’s sitcom, ‘Allo Allo’.

Spare a thought for our friends across the pond that not only have only chlorinated ‘hickory’ chicken to eat but now their leader had to be swabbed for the Crony+virus and made to wash his mouth out with fairy liquid....damn that test, why couldn’t the leader of the free world have been placed in isolation for a few weeks on death row on a positive charge+...?

Not trying to make light of this but only to make an observation of my fellow humans as I witness the selfishness and stupidity of some who fail to understand basic instruction and operate with an indiscriminate lack of acknowledgement of the extent of the problem it is with a heavy heart that I sit down and listen one final time to...”Hands...touching hands...reaching out....touching me....touching you....SWEET CAROLINE......”....Good Times never felt so bad....!

...I wash my hands of the whole lot of you...do it your way!



The top track comes from The World Health Organisation (WHO) who predicted this pandemic back in 1971 when they consulted a Pinball Wizzard that warned them to beware of a blonde haired, bumbling buffoon offering billions of booty...
Listen here:






Wednesday, 18 March 2020

Connected...


During this time when it’s quiet and there isn’t much going on it’s lovely when someone who feels very close to you takes the time to write. So you can imagine my delight when a lovely personal letter dropped on the e-door-mat from my very good and trusted friend, Nick Jeffrey...

...I haven’t heard from him for ages and hadn’t realised that he was such a caring, personal friend but he started his thoughtful missive with ‘Hello’ and ended it with a warm ‘Take Care’ and in it kindly thanked me for being such a great friend at this worrying time. He assured me that all will be fine and that we will get through this together. It has given me great peace of mind to know that someone really cares and is doing all he can to make not only my but also my families lives so much better...well probably a lot better than they would have been had I not bought a Pay-as-you-Go SIM card from him a few years back!

So thankyou Nick, CEO of Vodafone...you really are the best friend Iv ever had!

Ps. Will have to print this off and put it in the post as I tried to send it to you by email but the network was down??

In the words of the Stereo MC’s “ Something ain’t right...” . Here a great little mid-tempo retro-funk affair from 1992 for all you groovers to enjoy again here.


Thursday, 12 March 2020

Panic...

As our luxury cruise ship got permission to finally dock in the empty, sterile port of St.Ellen we were relieved to be back on terra-firma once again following our harrowing 2 hour maiden voyage of discovery, battling through the blustery high-winds and rainy, rolling swells on the nautical high seas of southern Scotland.



There had been dark times indeed throughout the voyage when it seemed that Caledonian McBrae would be lost at sea as the unhappy crew were close to mutiny as the frozen chips in the canteen had to be rationed, the gravy and grog ran out and then the WiFi finally gave up and went down with all hands. The ships log reported a shortage of sick bags to the coast guard as the charts slid about under the turbulent swell....but made it to port we did!

The onward journey in the hire car was just as bad, as we sped along the wild windswept narrow highway in near zero degree temperatures, the wipers on full speed battling the icy rain offering only occasional glimpses of the endless brown peat bogs through the ‘mist rolling in from the sea’....but we knew, sat there with the heater on, we were finally safe...

...safe at least from the dreaded virus 🦠 and safe in the knowledge that there was absolutely no way on this earth that any virus could ever survive in these these conditions on the bleak, brown, windy, wee, welly wearing, whisky soaked island of Islay.

...pronounced ‘Eye-luh’, this god forsaken place is famous for its 9 malt whisky distilleries so it seemed appropriate under the rules of a declared pandemic to panic buy alcohol for self medicating purposes. With this in mind, breakfast started with a peaty, salty Ardbeg and then later a pungent, lingering  ‘La-froyg’ leading nicely on to an eye watering, testicle twisting strength 16year old ‘Lagavulin’. 

A well balanced ‘Bowmore’ was then closely followed by an oily, salty brute of a ‘Bruichladdich’ and by the time the palate was recognising the last wee dram of an 18yr old ‘Caol Isla’ passed the lips a strange, nauseating feeling started to progressively creep through the body as the temperature rose and a sudden shortage of breath gave way to flu like symptoms it could only be a highly pathogenic positive sign that it was now time to go and self isolate in a nearby, dimly lit, Indian restaurant with late 1970’s chintzy curtains and a namesake, unassuming, plastic model of the iconic Taj Mahal.....





‘Jim the taxi ‘and ‘Jeanie the fish’ local business folk, had both warned us of some of the other many dangers of the island to look out for. They recounted tales of ten Japanese tourists being trapped for 6 days up their necks in peat bogs when traversing the island on a shortcut to a distillery. The following week a bus load of Germans from Frankfurt were found clinging to the Paps of Jura after a freak wave washed them off the rocks and worse still was an eerie tale of a local farmer when out feeding his hairy highland cooz one day witnessed a French birdwatcher being eaten by crabs in a nearby scenic picnic spot.

The relentless rain on the island has been falling on a daily basis since first being recorded by the Pictish rebel inhabitants of 650-700AD and wind speeds of up to 130mph have been known to blow hefted sheep clean off the hills on a regular basis so with this in mind we googled the shipping forecast for the next available window of opportunity to leave. A hapless flight had tried to land the other day on the tiny airstrip but had got within 12yards of the runway and was unceremoniously blown backwards back to Glasgow so we opted once again for the trusty reliable ferry.


Port Askaig was the departure terminal at the sheltered north of the island where ‘Terry the ticket’ worked and he assured us reassuringly that we would be leaving on the ‘ Pride of Pandemonia’ at 09:30 “come hell or high water”. With a last cheeky, fleeting look at the ‘Paps’ we were on our way home and sailing off back to the disease riddled mainland of Utopia.

‘Panic’, my tune of choice for this blog by the ‘Smiths’ who ironically all died in the global SARS outbreak of 2003 in a bedsit in Rochdale...keep the song alive and well by listening in self isolation to the track here:-

“Panic on the streets of London 
Panic on the streets of Birmingham 
I wonder to myself 
Could life ever be sane again? “

Thursday, 2 January 2020

Doing the right thing...


As the last of the dried up turkey is shoved under a crust and the merry throng of swearing, inebriated louts bring in the New Year by letting off fireworks in our wheelie-bin, snapping off the top of the towns Christmas tree and pissing and fighting in the alleyways on their way home from the taverns and cells, 
the cold, empty streets are cold and empty once more....thank God!
It’s over...

It’s a New Year so it requires a new positive approach, from me at least...who else can you rely on to lead the way into a new decade?

My old-age ailments prevented me at the back end of last year from the early qualifying rounds of the Worlds Strongest Man. So as I sit on the sofa and enjoy the final I am reminded during the adverts that I should also think about an over 50’s plan as my untimely death now approaches fast anyway. I should now focus on whether I can afford the box of matches to light the flames or alternatively do I consider ordering an artisan willow weaved box to allow the worms to feast on my rotting corpse to help aid my path to the afterlife. Either way, I apparently need to ring the advertised free-phone number to check my Experian credit score so they can promptly relieve me directly, with a cheerful smile, of any equity I have in order to pay for my forthcoming ⚰️ funeral and spiralling spiritual costs that I would automatically and unfortunately incur.
Crikey...It’s getting close, that bloke on the ad looks younger than me and has grey hair too...I could be near the end....it’s time this owd lad went for a check up at the quacks...I need to do the right thing before I get the tap on the shoulder by the tall fella with the hedgecutter...

A few days later, with my troublesome tennis elbow now re-classified as non-life threatening and my posted pooh sample results back as ‘gluten-free’, the response level is reset to ‘amber’ as I await only the blood samples to be clear of the Chlorophyll and chlamydia and a new bionic eye then I will once again have a clean bill of health in which to start the decade....in earnest or wherever!

With my New Years positive energy and a new lease of life in my old bones I follow the crowds and head down to the exciting pastime that is the New Years sales. Having never been that bothered before, I’m inspired in the crush to panic buy stuff at will and spend, spend, spend knowing that I now have my whole sorry life ahead of me to pay for it at a variable interest free rate of 17.9% above inflation subject to contract and all the time in the world to enjoy my spoils.
Life is too short I think to myself and before you can say money supermarket dot com I’m coming back with great deals I had never really attributed to Christmas before like super fast fibre broadband, a Bensons double bed, a fantastic new hoover that sucks at 300psi and a red Nissan Juke...
...the more I spent the more I realised I needed, so my next purchase for the baby Jesus was a subscription to online bingo, a new boiler, 160 gigabytes of data and a half price cruise holiday to the Caribbean in September with an unbelievable 200 euros of onboard credit.
Penniless, tired and weary I collapse back on the sofa to stuff the last of the mince pies down my throat and mistakenly look down at my over-extended torso at the flabby rolls hanging down like pigs testicles in wet blankets. A sad result of all the festive over indulging on fried lobster, caviar, vintage port, raw clams and chocolate blancmange.
If I’m going to look my best In 2020 I need to make amends....
First, I need a plan...no wrong...first I need a book about a plan, preferably endorsed by a TV celebrity Iv never heard of, that can guide my new lifestyle change and inform me how I can lose 3 stone in a week by only sucking on a blanched carrot and making meat and potato pies using only a 3D printer. 
I pride myself with having no food wasted after Christmas so as I fill my ‘Nutri-bullet’ gift with the remaining boiled sprouts, 6 after eights and the dregs of the brandy I sit down with my nutritious New Years smoothie but realise that I need to do more...maybe exercise a bit more? Jog round the park or take up badminton?
Yes, I can do that too...but I need to act fast.
I pick up the phone and book myself on a healthy option all-you-can eat spa weekend and sign up for the new weekly ‘Blubbercise’ class run by Barbara next to the chippy. It’s only a pound a week and the winner gets a voucher for a free battered sausage!
More telly...
Another advert tells me to Join the RSPB so I can wander about in the pissing rain jotting down how many sparrows and influenza-riddled pigeons have survived the frozen winter or sit gawping out the window and recording how many tits I can see...(Oi...grow up!)

Climate change? What should I do about that then for the baby Jesus? 
If only there was a young child or a meerkat to lead the way on what to do?
Well I did watch the new Worzel Gummidge, so that’s a start.
Well personally, I’m going to stop listening to young, annoying fat-faced/ginger-haired singer songwriters with mind numbingly boring ballads in the hope that they go away and maybe other stuff too...I know, il stop eating soft cheese, buy only frozen vegetables from now on and refrain from shouting at ‘Alexa’ in a morning ..that should help...
...should I listen more to Radio 4, get a pet plan or lend support to struggling high street cafes?...the dilemma!...if everyone does their bit then we could maybe get on top of it and stop it raining all the time in Scotland...#indyrefmyarse...that would be a great result.

Ho, Hum

As all the decorations and unwanted festive crap gets packed up, photographed and stuck on Gumtree for some other unsuspecting turkey to enjoy, we can look forward to Easter eggs and beyond with the hope that mankind will survive the fire and brimstone that presently ravages the earth🌍 🍳

Good will to all souls and see you all soon.
Auguri


Doing the right thing....a song by the indie band ‘Daughter’ and a track off their 2nd album in 2016. Enjoy the track here.

Tuesday, 22 October 2019

I want the world to stop...



First it started with....

I am using a friends car and today I notice on the dashboard a yellow light warning me about something...oh, sounds serious, you may say, what is it?....well, il be buggered if I know. So the question I have is “why isn’t it obvious?”...why can’t it just say what the problem is?....instead some stupid symbol that looks to me like its warning ⚠️ me that Iv run over a bloody hedgehog 🦔...
Now I know that some patronising clever prick will retort “ you just need to look in the vehicle user manual...”....NO!...I Don’t...why should I have to do this?...just make it clear to the user/driver what the problem is instead of putting the emphasis on me to read your stupid boring book you muppet manufacturers.

While I’m on the subject, I’m sick to death of the worlds over-complicated technology and I think it needs to come to an end...not the world, God forbid, just the stupidness and pointless stuff in it....

Such as...
the hours and hours wasted on computers with stupid Logins, security settings and more incremental hurdles than you need. Just to order a new toilet roll from EBay, you must login using only use 3 consonants, 2 capitals, a pound sign and a space bar, no rude words and then remember it for the next 25years....then when, 2 seconds later, when texted to your mobile phone that you had 5years ago, enter the 10 digit code within 5 seconds of receipt or you get sent, by default, a used bog roll in the post and your banking app is frozen to death until you resolve the issue by contacting a call centre in downtown Mumbai....giving the same code that you didn’t receive....Jeez, what is it with trying to get simple things to operate, updating Apps, Maps, WhatsApps, WhatsUpps, passwords for this, passwords for that, the maiden name of your dead granny, her bra size and why haven’t you updated your/her profile since last week...Not to mention the updates, the problems, the incompatibility, the excuses, the faster, stronger, better, longer...and when it doesn’t work, the ‘use a different browser’, the options, the settings, the swiping, backing up, syncing, casting, phishing, cache-ing, saving, sharing, the accounts, the Apples, the Google’s, signing in, signing out, refreshing, translating, notifications and emojis....take a deep breath...
....I was only born in 1966 and now I have my own memory restrictions and mine is completely FULL of this shit, I don’t need assistants, virtual or physical....yet.

Why can’t read anything without first agreeing to chocolate chip ‘cookies’ hoovering my data?
So what I can’t see how my data is managed...? Like I (a)care, (b)know or (c)believe you....
When you say ‘managed’ do you mean stolen?
Help developers know what you think, you quip🤔....I’l bloody well tell you what I think, I think I need a rest from all this 💩 I didn’t even do algorithms at school as I thought they were a useless pile of shite then so I’m not getting involved in it now at my age (of the understatement).

I’m also getting sick of...
Are you ‘enjoying’ Google photos?...make your opinion count....Again, No..these are just my photos that I took of random things, admittedly I daren't ever press the button that says HDR as I haven’t a scooby what this means so most are crap and out of focus but they are mine, not yours and I don’t need them styalized, cropped or made into a funky montage to send to all my friends just because you have lured your way into my contacts list behind my back and think it’s a good idea to send them all Christmas cards with Tuscan wine labels, my toes and random dead animals on...
How ‘enjoyable’ might they be to a elderly relative over the festive period?


Fetch new data....push??...push what?...fetch from where?...what are you talking about, you idiot?
You just need to update your settings....Do I?
Why?...
At what point was life supposed to be this torturous?


You get told to change your ‘settings’,  ‘to allow’ things to happen because you want to read an interesting news article so you cautiously and reluctantly start to click about as you enter, what I can only presume is, the dark end of the web, where you know not of what they speak or the language they use and then when you get to screens showing things like ‘AssistiveTouch’ and ‘ReduceMotion’ you absolutely don’t understand what it all means and the article on ‘lameness in elderly camels’ you wanted to research now doesn’t seem worth the read, or that ambitious order you wanted to place for free next-day delivery now seems pointless ...shit...you panic and try to backtrack, thinking Ok, I don’t NEED a new leaf-blower from that site, so, finally you give in and press the ‘Home’ button to get to you back to the familiar territory of your own apps but wait...you lingered on it too long and when you accidentally press the home button for longer than a millipedes dick you get the stupid upbeat SIRI woman saying abruptly “What can I help you with?”...my usual two word response usually prompts her to sulkily follow with “I won’t respond to that”....like I care??...your not my friend so stop pretending you are!...if I wanted a random mate I’d go down the local ‘Titty Twisters’ but I don’t, so leave me alone!

And another thing...
These days you can’t actually GO anywhere without a follow up message on the way back home saying, “Hey, I noticed you where in the ‘Happy to Help’ Dogging car park tonite on the A59, would you like to leave a review to help others?”....or “Hey, looks like you just took a piss round the back of McDonalds in Jedburgh, you were away for 2 minutes and forty seconds, can you verify your new favourite location and rate your experience....NO, leave me alone, stop stalking me by default. If I want a record of where I go il stick a massive GO-Pro on my head, ride a bike and press record...Stop!

If I promise never to order an UBER, use a JUST-EAT app or subscribe to NETFLIX can I please just be left alone to read the odd news snippet, check the local weather or just catch up on a friendly email....is that too much to ask?

So, What is really bothering me?
While I’m on the subject of tech-bloody-knolodgy, why can’t I watch the damn rugby 🏉 on a big telly?...Its sooo over complicated...it appears that it’s beyond the capability of man to actually be allowed to watch a simple game of rugger when abroad without a hitch so....
I hav’t’ th’Ipad with all location settings and time set to U.K. on which I have a VPN which I use to connect to a UK server after which I open my currently downloaded ITV app which allows me to watch programmes and also live tv but now this does not allow the image, via a cable to be mirrored on to a telly, thus no big screen rugby...FFS!....funny how the BBC and all the other channels work so come on ITV, you shower of awkward tossers....LET ME WATCH ENGLAND BEAT THE ALL-BLACKS(again) in glorious HD technicolour...or maybe il just buy an old black and white from Rumbelows and have a load of fifty pence pieces handy...
Nostalgia link here...

Today’s track comes from the lovely Scottish band, Belle & Sebastian, one of the most under appreciated bands in the world...
Enjoy this track here https://youtu.be/wjW3tZhdnyw


Wednesday, 16 October 2019

Reasons Not to be an Idiot...

So far, I have refrained to even go here but as Lewis Capaldi once said back in 1871

The time has come,' the Walrus said,
      To talk of many things:
Of shoes — and ships — and sealing-wax —
      Of cabbages — and kings —
And why the sea is boiling hot —
      And whether pigs have wings.'

As the autumnal clocks tick by and the signs of another summer diminish you can be sure that next week summertime officially ends and a few days after the clocks change the chosen path of ostracising ourselves from the EU also takes effect....Personally it’s a very sad day. I think we have been shafted fantastically by the politics and the career politicians with a massive social wedge driven through the hearts and minds of a confused lonely and totally split down the middle country. 
Ok, so we weren’t happy with the unelected European Parliament...Thats why we had members and veto’s, eh...I get it, but now, going solo....
QUESTION - we all have confidence in our elected government to make it better than it was before?
to deliver ANYTHING that they promised would make things better being outside the EU?, to save money, to cut taxes to benefit the people...I doubt this very, very much! 

The moon was shining sulkily,
      Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
      After the day was done —
"It's very rude of him," she said,
      "To come and spoil the fun."

The whole process has just alienated, embarrassed and screwed up a whole heap of shit that didn’t need touchingly far as I can see....I’m glad that we found out what unites us which, sadly is hatred and a willingness to reveal our prejudices.

But wait a bit,' the Oysters cried,
      Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
      And all of us are fat!'

Democracy it may be, but by deception and lies....nope, not for me it ain’t!

Growing up, I lived in that insular white suburban bubble where I wasn’t aware of people outside the UK, people of different colour, cultures, foods, creativity, lifestyles and music. It wasn’t until I got the chance to travel and to meet people, eat with them and speak that I realised that they were different a bit but it mattered not to me as I saw different qualities and attitudes and I accepted this...I did not presume that I was constantly right, my language or my way was the best...
This education and tolerance combined with an understanding and ability to adapt is not shared by all so we wait on the consequences now...
Sure, you will still be able to travel, eat stinky Brie and drink pink Prosecco but now we sink much deeper into the ‘them and us’ mentality that we tried so hard to avoid.

So when you look in your fridge, around your house at your electronic devices and the car parked on the drive I hope that the people who didn’t want to be a part of all this realise that you got most of that stuff by talking, trading, agreeing, working, supporting and belonging to....oh yes, the EU...now, I suppose you will just ‘Buy British’ from now on like the good patriotic national you are but you may be sadly disappointed to find that we don’t make much of that stuff anymore....not to worry, we can always get it from countries with even less control of health, safety and security....or we can still get it from Europe but at an increased cost...see the irony?

 It seems a shame,' the Walrus said,
      To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
      And made them trot so quick!'

Ok so I hear ‘Nothing much will change’...well it bloody well should because that was what was promised through the media by the Tories when they hatched this idea...£350million for the NHS, stop all Muslims coming to the UK, end free movement, catch our own cod, buy French Brie at the same price, blah blah blah...remember?...all these promises=Vote Leave or was that just bullshit to appeal to the Xenophobic morons?
Do you actually believe that any or all this will happen under the BoJo White Supremacy rules of Grande Brittania?
I have spoken with people in bars that don’t know how to boil a potato let alone know the difference between charcuterie or a chateaubriand so, putting their culinary deficiencies aside, I wonder how baffled Joe public was when they had to make an informed decision involving the economics and viability and consequences of leaving something they had been an integral part of for many, many years.

I really don’t see how falling out with Europe and Europeans will make a whimsical United Kingdom, united...Really??...I wonder what comes next, we fall out with Scotland, Wales and Ireland too?...build walls?...start a fight?...again?..Really?...
...well, if it’s for the good of the people let’s get on with it...
...anyone know where I can get about eight foot of strong British rope from?
...and not that cheap, flimsy stuff from China that breaks easily....

O Oysters,' said the Carpenter,
      You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
      But answer came there none —


Today’s blog track from Frank Turner song from 2008
Listen to the track here https://youtu.be/5xfdGXA62ZM and maybe sing along...

So why are you sat at home? 
You're not designed to be alone 
You just got used to saying "no" 
So get up and get down and get outside 
Cos it's a lovely sunny day 
But you hide yourself away 
You've only got yourself to blame 
Get up and get down and get outside......

Shaking body…

As part of the fiesta, I could only think that it was the turn of the Basque Separatists to start the day’s celebrations! As at 8 ‘o’ clock ...