Hurt...

“I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair...”

GoodFriday is a very important day for Christians of every faith as they all believed that JC also known as the incarnation of God was horrifically crucified by the Romans on a hill outside Jerusalem. 

Nothing says Easter like a weekend celebration of torture and resurrection!

Jesus died for everyone. 

So at this time it is important to ask the question.

What have the Romans’ ever done for us?

Well you have to look on the bright side and also on the internet to find out, so as Im an agnostic doubting Thomas and not that au-fait with all things religious, I had to do a bit of research here....

They reckon that Easter started when Jesus invited all his mates round for a Friday Night Dinner but on a Thursday night in his crib in downtown Jerusalem. About twenty lads rocked up including Judas Priest, Sam Shepherd, Brian the messiah, Travis Perkins and brothers Zebadee, Dylan and Ermintrude. JC used his “Did somebody say Just Eat.....oooh!” App and ordered a massive curry banquet. As they settled down to eat, Leonardo Da Vinci, a local inventor and painter was asked to capture the party.

One of the lads, guitarist, Judas Priest, turned out to be the first ever vegetarian so, unlike his carpenter and fisherman mates, he wasn’t impressed with the spicy lamb Bhuna and a fight broke out. Neighbours called the authorities and the Roman carabinieri carted off JC for a night in the cells.

The next day was re-named Black Friday and JC was found guilty in the morning and marched up the hill for a flogging. On the way he helped a fella with a cross called Simon of Cerene but then sneaky Si promptly ran off and JC was left with the heavy burden to cart up Hamburger hill.

By 3’o’clock it was all over for the King of the Jews

Or was it....

It gets a bit sketchy with the detail after that so I researched Easter further for clues by watching the benchmark British gangster classic ‘The Long Good Friday’. I have to say it’s a great performance by London gangsta ‘Bob Hoskins’ who’s career went on to present the people of Judiah’s favourite teatime show, ‘Blockbusters’ through the eighties and right up to his death 

in 2012. 

“Nothing unusual,” he says! Eric’s been blown to smithereens, Colin’s been carved up, and I’ve got a bomb in me casino, and you say nothing unusual ?”

Great line from the film and a few more hours wasted but It didn’t enlighten me about the Easter risings so much....so back to Google!

The man on the cross. There was no Christ!

Really??

Can you see how I was brought up confused?

And still am at 54...

There are many disbelieving dropouts like Scientologists, Quakers and Jehovah’s that would argue that ‘Brian’ was the true messiah as he was born just one stable down but this was condemned as blasphemous when it was released in 1980.

Nowadays in nearby Ireland 🇮🇪 the Catholic faith healers take Easter a lot more seriously...

Them little fellas are condemned to a day of forced abstinence and they don’t let the women shave as it is most unlucky to draw blood on the day of the Crucifixion.

Blacksmiths, carpenters and probably Bin-men stay idle for the whole day while Joiners and brickies do not use a saw or hammer nor drive a nail on the day Christ was nailed to the Cross...I think power-tools are ok but I’d just check first!

They also believe that a child born on Good Friday and baptised on Easter Sunday is thought to have the cure for tapeworm and that anyone being barefoot at Easter is also guaranteed freedom from colds for the rest of the year....handy to know at this time! They go on to celebrate the weekend by washing their feet and tucking into a traditional dish of nettles, turnips, cabbage and herring....no wonder Bob Geldof wasn’t keen on Monday’s at his house!

In other flesh pots around the world at Easter, cigar smoking Columbians tuck into iguana, turtles and big rodents for lunch while in the jungles of Papua New Guinea they hand out fags to kids and in the Philippines self-crucifixion and self-flagellation is the order of the day and trending nicely on twittagram. 

Over in Finland they totally missed the point and celebrate Halloween 🎃 by dressing up as witches and at the other end of the world the All-Blacks in the New Zealand town of Otago grab their guns every year for the annual ‘Great Easter Bunny Hunt’....literally!

So whatever you end up doing, please remember to do it inside, save the NHS and save lives....or we will send round the new Messiah to sort you out!

 

My track today for the blog is an old ‘Nine Inch Nails’ song that was covered here and became even better than the original...just poignant and wonderful!

Joy Division Oven Gloves...

The situation has now got more desperate as the food is running low. It wasn’t good to start with as all the shelves are still empty in the coop but I did manage to come away with a some spuds, a packet of fish fingers and a bag of frozen peas but now Iv got home I haven’t a bloody clue what to make with them?

Not to be beaten I looked on’t’internet to see if there was some way that I could knock up a tasty meal using only the three ingredients and hey pesto...incredibly, there was!

There were loads actually but Iv narrowed it down to just 3 of my favourites.

Ingredients:

2kg Potatoes

1pkt Fish Fingers

1 bag of frozen peas

Recipe number 1 - EASY — Jamie Oliver

Method:

First you need to build a smoker in the back yard, put the fish fingers on a rack and leave for 3 days. While the fish is smoking, light your outside pizza 🍙oven and get the temperature to 207C before you throw in the spuds, unpeeled and whole. Next, defrost the peas over a pan of boiling water and then pulse gently in a liquidiser until rusticly sloppy. Here’s a great tip...if you don’t have a liquidiser then spread the peas on an olive wood board and ‘smash’ them with the palm of your hand or an old rolling pin and then sweep up from the floor.

Serving Suggestion:

skewer the spuds with a pitchfork and then finely 🔪slice then stand the fishfingers up on end on a wooden serving platter at jaunty angles and then drizzle the pea juice over  the top from a height....Bingo....Pucker!!

Recipe number 2 - QUITE TRICKY - Hugh Fernally Whittingdale 

Method:

First, check the packaging. 

It’s important to ensure that the potatoes have been grown in organic soil approved by the soil association and they are the correct size, shape and weight and have been harvested by hand by workers on no less than the minimum wage.

Next, smell the fish, it needs to have been ethically hand caught that morning by hook and line in British waters and comply with EU standards for sustainability and not be endangered to the point of extinction...🎣

The peas, or petit-poi’s, as I like to call them should have been picked, packed ,blast frozen and hermetically sealed within 26seconds or the whole lot needs to go in the bin...🍽

....Now return to the Coop!

Recipe number 3 - REALLY SEXY - Nigella Lawson

This romantic recipe is just oozing with plumpious excitement as we add a little Italian twist to produce this joy of joys, deep, penetrating pleasure...

Method:

First, take a deep breath and run your finger delicately down the side of the fish finger and then push slowly, but firmly, into the moist, white, flesh leaving a small but welcoming hole in which to insert your tiny frozen pea...repeat until all the succulent peas are nestled exquisitely in place. 

Then gently whisk the potatoes until they form stiff, creamy but elegant peaks and drizzle slowly with an expensive olive oil from the hillsides around Toscana. Bend seductively over and insert your creation into the bottom oven of your Aga for 30minutes until hard and firm to touch...

Serving Suggestion:

Lay the exquisite fish-pea fusion onto the cosy bed of creamy goodness and serve sensually with a soft, satisfying, salty tart...

...Hmmm...this isn’t Aldi food, this is top notch sexy Co-op fare..💋🤥

TOP TIP : For a tasty Tomato salsa you could look in the cupboard and see if there is a squeezy bottle of HP as an accompaniment and butter a couple of slices of bread.

Bon Appetito  🇮🇹 

Description

Half Man Half Biscuit are an English rock band, formed in 1984 in Birkenhead, Merseyside. Known for their satirical, sardonic, and sometimes surreal songs

A Time for Heroes...

Fantasy government 2020

At the moment they seem to be dropping like flies so it crossed my mind that if the situation gets much worse then we need to be prepared and have a contingency plan if all the current government goes down. I’m of the thinking that we should do it like I did my 6 Nations fantasy team and pick within a budget of only 100 million quid due to the state of the nations economy. It needs to reflect and support the diversity of the country and provide powerful leadership of the whole nation moving forward after Brexit. 

In my fantasy team Iv picked mainly strong English forwards with a token Scot, Welsh, LGBGT etc to avoid criticism to make up the front bench. Every 3 months you can transfer a maximum of 3 members in or out on form or for injury.

Extra Points will be accumulated for each member of the new cabinet that uses the words ‘unprecedented’, ‘self-isolation’ and ‘confident’ on the BBC.

So I propose...

Prime Minister Jim Bell

PM - Jim Bell (alias Mark Heap)

Foreign secretary - Sir Ranulph Fiennes OBE 

Defence - Thomas Shelby (alias Cillian Murphy)

Defence

Chancellor of the Exchequer - Martin Lewis

Secretary of State for Business - Baron Alan Sugar 

Climate change- David Attenborough

Sport Minister - Eddie Jones 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 

International Trade - Paul O Grady

Work & Pensions

Work & Pensions - Brian Potter (alias Peter Kay)

Education- Joanna Lumley

Culture - Romesh Ranganathan

Environment & Food - Jamie Oliver

Billy Connolly - Minister for 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 

Alun Wyn Jones - Minister for 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 

Boy George LGBGT 🌈 

Add caption

It’s a ‘Time for Heroes’...by the Libertines.

Some Better Day...

Some Better Day...

Can you be bored to death?

bored to death

(also bored to tears/bored stiff)

Bored v Boring?

As my brain degenerates I’m starting to wonder whether I’m getting bored or getting boring?

So I turn to the psychology books to find out that “people will sometimes do reckless, stupid things when they suffer from chronic boredom”.

According to ‘Psychology Today’People who are easily bored are more likely to engage in dangerous sports, be sexually promiscuous and engage in drug and alcohol abuse. All of these things will reduce average life expectancy, but is that dying of boredom or dying of excitement?

The punditsat the big University College London go on to say that people who complain of “high levels” of boredom in their lives are at double the risk of dying from from heart disease or a stroke than those who find life entertaining...so that’s summatelse to look forward to!

Futher research shows that the boredom-death connection might have formed because bored people were more likely to feel unfulfilled, unmotivated, and unhappy, which could lead to unhealthy behaviors like excessive drinking and smoking, overeating, and drug use.....

Clearly, it is not actual boredom that is causing people to die...

If boredom kills, then perhaps cultivating curiosity heals.?

But if You are just plain boring then what are the signs? 

Maybe the problem is You?

Do your  friends, and co-workers seem not to want to be around you?

Do you suffer from Banality?

Do you have a slow thyroid? =feeling tired all the time, gaining weight and being sensitive to cold?

Then it’s probably You and should be automatically classed as a major bore and a drain on society so should stay inside to protect everyone.

Like me, if you find it very painful to be in the presence of people who are dull and lack energy and enthusiasm then there is hope as it’s been proven that Interesting people disclose more of their thoughts and feelings than boring people do.

Right, that’s that cleared up, I’m off to have a chat with the toaster!

I am Kloot

Money for Nothing...

Im having trouble understanding all the confusion that people are having while sat at home, malingering in their houses and avoiding doing a stroke of work. Some are bored now and sat on the settee thinking that they are in Dire Straits going to get money for nothing and chips for free....

But ...That ain't workin' that's the way you do it!

The U.K. Covid-19 Furlough Scheme explained for the hard of hearing...

Its perfectly simple, you just need to know the difference so I’d thought I would do my Civic duty and leave you an explanation, so here goes....

A furlough (/ˈfɜːrloʊ/; from Dutch: verlof, "leave of absence") is a temporary leave of employees due to special needs of a company or employer, which may be due to economic conditions at the specific employer or in the economy as a whole.

This is the one that you want and not to be confused with the following:-

A Ferlo, a relict river valley and region of interior northern Senegal. It lies south of the fertile valley of the Sénégal River and the Fouta region and east of the peanut (groundnut) basin of the western plains...completely broke...

The Furlo Pass is a gorge on the ancient Roman road Via Flaminia in the Marche region of central Italy, again no money at the bottom of the gorge...

A Ferlo may well be luxurious and stylish and add a touch of class to any bathroom but at the end of the day it’s just a curvy towel rail...

Ferlow is a Botanicals firm making natural skincare products from Chickweed that 

have anti-inflammatory properties and are excellent to help soothe itchy skin if your sat on your arse all day with no work...

Description

Furla is an Italian luxury goods company that was created by the Furlanetto family in 1927, ok for handbags but no suitcases full of 💴 money....

A Furrow is a long, narrow trench made in the ground by a plough, especially for planting seeds or irrigation...you would have to be daft if you got mixed up with this one!

Pherlure  is a spray for blokes that is supposed to attract the ‘ladies’. There are literally dozens of these types of overhyped, junky pheromone products that exist online...but they don’t work...much like your good self!

A Furlong - Is a Distance of 201.16800 metres. Used mainly in horse racing but the bookies are shut just now so you wouldn’t be able to get a bet on to win any money...

The Furbo is a Treat-Tossing Dog Camera...

For just $139 you can keep tabs on your dog and send them treats wherever you are...

A Furball is a small collection of hair or fur formed in the stomach of animals, and uncommonly in humans, that is occasionally vomited up when it becomes too big...

A Furby was an American electronic robotic toy that was originally released in 1998 by Tiger Electronicsv. It resembles a hamster or owllike creature and went through a period of being a "must-have" toy following its holiday season launch, with continual sales until 2000...

And finally, 

A Fairclough(Rita) Was an old character in Corrie when 1992, she becomes Rita Sullivan when she married Ted Sullivan (William Russell). The marriage only lasts three months, as he dies from a brain tumour. When Rita collapses in her flat in July 1998 from carbon monoxide poisoning, she is saved by Alec.

So now you are all up to date.

Hope this helped with the confusion.

Happy to Help.

Dire Straits link here https://youtu.be/wTP2RUD_cL0

1927. 

Isolation...

Solitary confinement is a form of imprisonment distinguished by living in single cells with little or no meaningful contact to other inmates....

You can have too much of a good thing so it’s nice to have the opportunity to get away from the rat race from time to time and put your feet up for a while...

there’s more to life than running around working for the Yankee dollar and putting up with a unhinged , recalcitrant society....

So Now, finally, a peaceful, monastic life beckons with the opportunity for hours of self-reflection, meditation and splendid isolation in your very own temple, far away from the maddening crowd in perfect seclusion.

 "The monotony and solitude of a quiet life stimulates the creative mind," 

A quote by old Albert Einsteinium, the crazy-haired hippy that developed a few of his theories without the help of his annoying friends and neighbours and lived alone only in a world of his own ideas as a cloistered genius inventing mad stuff and texting crap like E=M C 🔨 from a little shed at the bottom of his garden...

Or What about

Robert John Maudsley (born 26 June 1953) a hapless loner and a British serial killer responsible for the murders of four people. Most of the time he stayed in a cell alone which was fine for him for ages but then when they told him he could come out he started carving up and chewing off bits of his fellow inmates making him unpopular and getting the the stigma name of ‘Hannibal the cannibal’...

Or maybe

Terence Hardy Waite CBE (born 31 May 1939) who is an English humanitarian and author that proved that a bit of isolation didn’t hurt anyone and even gave him chance to eat spiders and write a few books in peace and quiet while not having to worry about setting the alarm to get up in the morning to catch the bus to work...

Then there was Pablo Picasso, the lazy-arse Spanish slacker that reckoned that 

“Without great solitude no serious work is possible”  but he probably never had a days work in him according to his absinthe supping mate and poet, Jimmy Sabartés...

Meanwhile...

At the other side of the world a local Japanese Buddhist philosopher, educator, author, peace advocate and seaweed farmer was heard to say “No one can live entirely on their own, nor can any country or society exist in isolation”  that was after a few too many rice wines in the local pub by Daisaku Ikeda as a word of warning to the West!

...but we all seem to be managing......

and we are all stuck inside now but some more of our fellow humans chose this solitary life style. 

Take for instance:-

The peculiar Dorothy Paget(1906-1960) who inherited most things from birth except her looks. She was a horse breeder, gambler and chain smoking millionaire who on the other hand enjoyed very much being a shapeless, bad tempered lump of a 

woman who regularly relieved herself in a horse box and was perfectly happy with being virtual recluse.

Roger Keith "Syd" Barrett (6 January 1946 – 7 July 2006) was an English singer, songwriter, and musician with a little known rock band Pink Floyd who buggered off after taking LSD on the bus and spent then rest of his life without speaking to a sole...(just to clarify here, not the flat, bottom feeding sea fish...but then again he was a bit loopy so may well have had a deep, meaningful chat to a fish....)...I know I would!

I digress....

So what about Blanche Monnier?

...often known in France as la Séquestrée de Poitiers (roughly, "The Confined Woman of Poitiers.”) She didn’t see any daylight for 25years! 

Admittedly that wasn’t her own choice as she had been kept prisoner by her disapproving mother but that’s bye-la-bye....

Or

Christopher Knight, the US North Pond Hermit and burglar who lived without human contact for 27 years deep in the woods and was as happy as Larry until he got captured by a nosey game warden and got shoved in the clink allowing time for him to focus on his mental health issues...

Or

Greta Garbo born Greta Lovisa Gustafsson;^[18 September 1905 – 15 April 1990) was a Swedish-American film actress liked a bit of detachment as did Jerome David Salinger (/ˈsælɪndʒər/; January 1, 1919 – January 27, 2010) who was an American writer best known for his novel The Catcher in the Rye which was a popular story with kids about a confused and disillusioned teenage rebel who was searching for the truth and rails against the “phoniness” of the adult world....kids, eh???? 

What do they know?

iSolation...A condition of detachment or separation caused by using an iPod with headphones?

Try it here to listen to my blog track ‘Isolation’ by Therapy? From 1994.