Joe Le Taxi…

Operation Overboard is now in full swing, Iv packed up my troubles in an old kit bag along with a plentiful supply of Yorkshire tea bags, 3 rusty bicycles and an unfeasibly large pot of Sudocrem to apply to any war wounds or inflammation of the ‘Pomme de Terre’s’ that we may encounter along the cobbled streets of Normandyland.

Iv cunningly set my ‘Out of Office’ for some other bugger to answer for my mistakes and it’s time to leave ‘Terrazza Negroni’ (as the mooring is affectionately referred to as ) as ‘Joe Le Taxi’ Aka Pongo is ‘en-route’ on his way down from the outer reaches of Jockland, arriving around ‘le petit dejeuner’ time to pick me up.

With a bit of Vera Lynne playing on the wireless to get us in the holiday mood we set off next to liberate ‘Buster’ from the clutches of ‘Lost’A’CockHall’ and then the 3 amigo’s are united to fight again and we can finally set off together on the long and torturous journey down the M6 ‘dans le voiture’ to French France….well, until one of us needs a piss stop at the next services….

To mark the occasion, a fitting poem has been penned by Siegfried Sassoon, the late WW2 poet laureate….and it goes like this…

Gazzer, Pongo and Buster are setting sail to Calais,

To the gallic chants and cheers of…”Allez, Allez, Allez”,

But we know nowt about France,

Are too old for romance,

So we will liberate the wine,

And sit and play dominoes to pass by the time

Over the Dartford bridge then we reach the White cliffs of Dover where we find that there are no bluebirds left due to Avian Influenza but plenty of scraggy seagulls. Before the stench of seagull excretion becomes overpowering we get directed to embark an earlier ferry called the ‘Herald of Free Enterprise’ then we are off before they have even closed the back doors… ‘tout suite’…!

The goofy little 14 year old, Vanessa Paradis had this popular hit in 1987.

Probably working in a chip shop just outside Paris now…

Ca plane pour moi…

Packing for such an excursion isn’t a thing that one must take lightly as one must carefully plan for all eventualities….this is todays job pre-departure day!

With the vaccinations for diphtheria, typhoid and blue tongue sorted weeks ago it left only the athletic supports and the verruca cream to add to the wash bags.

With no baggage limits to consider the hefty piles are laid out in priority order and folded neatly and packed in strict accordance to the official list.

…Ninja barbecue, leopard~skin thong, stunt kite, cheese knife, dominoes, tin opener, snorkel, handkerchief, travel pillow, new undercrackers, a vintage cravat, umbrella and a large packet of Rennies (in case we end up eating their food), in the first pile, then some bright summer clothes, hats and evening wear and finally a bag with the liquids, jewellery and a funky beach ball volleyball set.

As the camera phone was invented in France I intend to take mine too to get a few snaps along the way and I may even pack a selfie stick so that I can walk round especially crowded places wafting the thing in front of me while posing and posturing on every street corner with no fear of looking like a right touristic tosser…

It seems perfectly acceptable now in society to stand in everyone’s way trying to capture your newly injected Botox inflamed lips 👄 while pouting seductively and attempting to look magnificent, simultaneously clutching a half glass of Prosecco, with the wind in your hair generated from brandishing a new set of massive swishing eye lash enhancements for the sole purpose of getting a ‘thumbs up’ on your sad social media ‘Instant’I’mANob’agram’ account….

We will not be tolerating that kind of behaviour in our group…

Ok, so they were from Belgium but it’s near enough and the words are all in French so sing along in English if u prefer as Iv included a translation if u can’t speak da lingo…

Broadsword calling Danny Boy…

So I’m back on the blog…it’s been a while since my last confession so I thought I’d turn over a new leaf, pull out the cork and update the damn thing. I have to confess that these musings don’t come easy…well the musings do, it’s just the application and delivery that is often lacking and problematic.

Looking back I see that there seems to be a massive void of laziness since March 22 so you will be initially pleased (I hope) that I’m not now deceased but have of course been living this charming life to the full, obviously within budget and taking into consideration the high cost of living due to the Brexit/Covid/war in Uganda/lack of pay/train strikes….do I need to continue?…I’m still here, still grumpy and still recalcitrant….expect nothing less il mio amici!

So what have we learned since then? According to my Google timeline interspersed with random photos, apparently iv been to such far flung places such as Middlewich to drink with dancing crows, Folegandros to visit white churches, Glasgow to see Richard Hawley, Porto to drink err….Port and then throw in a few fast trains along the way to Lisbon, Valenthia and Madrid and then, of course, it would be wrong to not to mention hi-life highlights such as Morcambe, Harrogate and Bangor!…

But here we are now, June 2023, with Andromeda still on the home mooring, nestling amongst the summer blooms, while I’m packing the suitcase full of euros to hit the D-Day beaches of Normandy in a few days with the raw excitement and intense anticipation reminiscent of a Canadian paratroopers horse circa. 1945….yes, I’m chomping at the bit!

I know what you’re thinking 🤔…How brave, is Normandy safe now?

Well, of course things have moved on a bit since we fell out a bit with old Billy Big nose who, on his conk-quest, invaded our habitual land of hope and glory and jabbed our heroic Harold in the eye in 1066 but things are more settled now and the French have mellowed into really nice guys now and apparently have an ok rugby team.

Yes, they still are rumoured to eat frogs and snails and puppy dogs tails whilst playing accordion and riding bicycles up the rue du boulangerie but what’s not to like about that? 

So, let’s go and see what lies beneath the stereotypical iconic stripey Breton shirt and the elegant whiff of garlic and ‘erb aftershave (pour homme)

Let’s not judge til we get there….Bon Voyage!

As ever, a jaunty and topical tune will title or accompany the daily blogosphere following this trial…Bon appetite!

The Tide that left and never came back...

 

Adios Gringo’s…

All good things come to an end and it’s time to stop living the dream and say “Felice Navidad” to Plaza de los Pescadores. 

What have we learnt?

There is a lot of volcanic mountainous lunar nothingness, barren areas that would bore a camel but we stayed on the bus to the south and found a small town where we have enjoyed tapas and papas, eaten a goat and even a piece of a pigs face. We spent time on the beach and the weather was kind to us, so that’s it for this edition as we head for the airport with a stuffed donkey under my arm…

The Tide that left and never came back…a beautiful song, performed here live by The Veils frontman.

Staring at the Rude boys...

After a few days in the sunshine and I am like a bronzed Adonis with a lovely golden brown all-over tan developing...well, that is apart from the area below my nose, both my cheeks and my chin where I now have a stupid pasty-white patch where Iv had to wear my Covid19 muzzle all day. 

So unless I want to walk around looking like an in-bred panda, I think I’m going to have to purchase a false beard and moustache combo if I want to go back down on the naturist beach again with my dignity intact.

While I was there I got chatting to a nice tattooed couple of fellas who told me that I could enhance my look with a couple of body piercings and promptly displayed me their matching PA,s *

Splendid workmanship, well polished and glistening in the summer sunshine.

They kindly helped me to slap on a good lather of factor 50 in the areas I couldn’t reach and then it was time for the volleyball…

…hot and sweaty from the beach sports we ran giddy like headlong into the Atlantic Ocean…I wasn’t expecting the sea water to be so cold or the currents so strong as the first wave broke on my head, the riptide swept me off my feet and before I knew it, I was heading towards the rocks. Suddenly a strong tanned arm went around my bare bedraggled torso and I was lifted majestically up onto the strong broad shoulders of my new found friend as he heroically waded back and placed me safely back onto the sandy beach to another happy throng of onlookers…

* Prince Albert (PA) piercing is a type of genital piercing in which a ring or barbell jewelry is inserted through the opening (urethral opening) at the end of the penis, and it comes out through the undersurface of the penis.

 

Enjoy The Ruts...

Lump...

 The food in these parts need a mention, my God it’s tasty….

Being an epicure, I have to be a bit careful with what I eat on my holidays. Food is an important part of the culture and the delicacies identify with the people of an area.

You are what you eat…

I scoured the helpful photos of plates of food for tourists dating back to 1973 ignoring the Cock’O’Van, the Steak ‘Pie-Ella’ and the ‘All Dayo Breakfasto’ in search of a dish the locals would be tucking into.

Bearing in mind my grandad had already warned me that the soup here would be served cold, from when he mistakenly ordered it in Benidorm and had to complain to the waiter and get it microwaved.

I was exhausted by the long list of tempting dishes so opted for the local ‘Platto du jour’ to give me a full flavour of the country in a dining experience.

The ten euro set menu consisted of a healthy option seafood starter called ‘Percebes’ translated as ‘Goose barnacles’ followed by a mystery meaty main course entitled ‘Ballons du Toro con Morcilla’. A generous portion too and as I had ordered it medium rare, it arrived a little chewy and undercooked but after half an hour I had shifted the biggest lumps. I had fancied some oven chips with it but the nearest I got was something named ‘Patatas Bravas’. All perfectly crisp, succulent and seasoned well.

For desert I chose the strangely popular deep fried octopus stuffed with Nutella served on a bed of cold tapioca and washed it all down with a 3litre jug of Sangria.

On the long walk back to the accommodation I stopped off at the Supermercato and picked up a couple of extra toilet rolls, just in case...well you never know because you are not supposed to even drink the water on holiday…

Is this lump outta my head?

I think so!

A little mid 90s rock from The Presidents of the USA boys…

2 pints of lager and a packet of crisps please...🍻

 

Getting to know the locals is most important when holidaying abroad so today I stepped foot into a local hostelry for a drink. Luckily, the bartender of the ‘Ye Olde Pig & Whistle’ spoke a bit of English, albeit with a Nottinghamshire accent and asked what my tipple was? I studied the alcoholic beverages on the bar taps and opted for a local brew called ‘Guinness’. Served cold, it was a thick, creamy stout pleasantly delicious and complimentary to the palate.

Many bars in this country operate a discount period, designated a "happy hour" or discount of the day to encourage off-peak-time patronage.

Some locals had now gathered to watch a strange game being beamed in on the satellite TV where some big fellas in blue shirts were scurrying about trying to hide an odd-shaped ball up their jumpers while the opposing blokes in white just stood around watching…oh, how we did laugh!

Even punk bands can make novelty records...got to Number 7 in the hit parade!