Protection...

Have you ever been mis-sold PPE?

Don’t miss out, you will need to claim by end of 2020 if you have bought any PPE stupidly or by mistake.

Did you go to B&Q for a tin of Dulux emulsion and accidentally end up being sold an FFPP3 face mask?

Or maybe you nipped into Travis Perkins for some quarter inch plumbing pipe and came away with a box of green nitrile 🧤 gloves?

Then you have been mis-sold this needless PPE and we want to hear from you.

This needs to stop!

Presently, with an unprecedented global demand for PPE the government has pledged to do ‘Whatever it takes’ to stop anyone who doesn’t not work for the NHS from buying, wearing and supplying these valuable resources.

So if you have been hoarding stocks in your airing cupboard for your occasional trips down to the Coop then you are one of the many idiots that have caused this whole sorry affair.

PPE can give valuable protection when painting and decorating, gardening and digging but under these new measures these jobs will now need to be done without any Health & Safety considerations.

Our watchdogs have prepared a handy guide for you to start completing DIY jobs successfully without using any PPE. With a little care, combined with inexperience and stupidity it is possible to complete most DIY jobs quite shoddily and in a dangerous fashion without any namby-pamby eye protection, helmets or steel toe capped boots.

Under new government legislation the use of all PPE will now be banned and anyone caught flouncing around in hi-viz jackets or wearing ear protectors will be asked politely by the local constabulary to remove them and failing that will be asked again.

Arco will close immediately and Screwfix will withdraw all protective equipment from their Spring/Summer catalogues. From today, all H&S inspectors will be re-trained under a new government apprenticeship scheme to work in shorts and T-shirt’s in Wetherspoons.

The World Health Organisation has declared that ladders, cherry pickers and welding 🎭 masks will no longer be allowed and is looking into the total ban of respiratory equipment. The NFU will immediately start an amnesty for farmers to dispose 

of wellies and protective waterproofs with total anonymity.

The message is clear:

Stay home, Don’t use protection and make lives...

You may need soft, sexy, chilled out groove so lay back and enjoy...

From 1994, Massive Attacks ‘Protection’

I am the Resurrection...

“I am the resurrection and I am the life,
I couldn't ever bring myself to hate you as I'd like...”

Now that the Easter break is behind us we can now look forward to other wondrous things happening on the religious calendar.

You’ve got it...Guess who’s coming back to a screen near you very soon?

Get ready for the Resurrection...

...or should that read ‘Reserve-Erection’!??🤭

Well, it’s looking like he was infected on the Thursday, spent the weekend in A&E, relapsed on the Monday and went to Chequers on the Tuesday and now we await him to roll away the stone, emerge from the darkness, where he has been working on the Brexit, and make a grand resurrection so the celebrations 🥳 can begin again.

Cheap Easter eggs will fill all the empty shelves in Lidl, children will stay off school and Mums and Dads across the world will not go to work in celebration of the return of the new messiah. Instead they will remain inside with boxes of wine, box sets of Luther and put up shelves and clean thine ovens. They will gleefully paint their joyous fences with creosote and welcome the saviour with open arms. (adhering to social distancing rules, obviously)🚷

They will make love with thy neighbour and fornicate and ....steady, I think that’s enough!!

But you get the picture...

(B) B.C. Prophet, Lura Kronenburg predicts that this phenomenon could happen in a matter of days.

The second coming could join his disciples 🤡in 

Downing Street as soon as Super Saturday according to Aljazeera and start performing miracles in the NHS, helping the blind to see, the lame 

to walk and the leper’s to leap again he takes back control from Raab of Dominica to rule once again over the pagan masses in the promised land.

He will give us a sign, a Curchillian gesture, and lead us forward into “ignoratio elenchi,” 

No humble shepherd or Chief Scientific Advisor will be able stop him from ‘Getting Brexit Done’ and with his new powerful divine powers he will rid the country of this ‘petulant pest’ 
that has plagued our holy land, he will cast his nets to catch 

international contracts and he will send misery and locusts to blight the lives of any European neighbour that declines to doff his beret to our victorious and righteous 🤯leader.

I know you are all dying to see him....but

What we can’t do, Is definitely say when it is safe for him to come back the nest of COBRA’s.

It is critically important that we understand the basic principles, re-examine them and then apply the fluidity in the data to see if there are variations before we relax any measures that will allow Boris to return. But you are absolutely right, this is unprecedented and we all need to get behind the curve and safeguard the green shoots which will, in turn, contribute to the overall picture which will show that we are looking very carefully at the evidence from lessons learned 

and only by reducing these numbers will the analysis of the data contribute to the bigger picture. What we need to ensure is that we make ‘The right decision at the right time’.

His message will once again be heard very clearly as he will rise up to the pulpit at approximately 5pm GMT with the divine words

“Stay home, Stay Safe and Save the NHS”

Amen 🙏

...and God bless 🇱🇷America🇱🇷too.🍣

‘I am the Resurrection’ is another ‘bangin’ tune from the glory days when Ian Brown of the Stone Roses inhabited the earth in 1992 B.C., he also gained ‘Messiah’ status thrust upon him, mostly by the N.M.E.....so, praise be to him here.

“I am the resurrection and I am the life,
I couldn't ever bring myself to hate you as I'd like...”

Burn Baby burn...

Being Thursday the only highlight of the day was putting the bins out so with the weather being so nice I thought I’d try my hand at cookin* outside. 

With all this isolation and not going out, it’s difficult to get your hands on what you need these days but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. 

As I also can’t have any friends round and I didn’t have one of these fancy gas barbecues, I didn’t want this to stop me having an enjoyable meal-for-one in my own back yard.

So I had to improvise a bit...

Now Iv been to many bbq’s, some very good and some really pathetic ones(😉) so Iv learnt a thing or two. First, importantly, you need to don a daft apron, to protect your bits and preferably one with a couple of false ladies breasts or a reference to how big your wiener is...

Suitably attired, light your bbq early using a smokeless house coal and some twigs and a highly flammable accelerant from a Jerry can, obviously keeping a safe distance until you hear a large ‘Whooosh’ followed by a warming sensation.

Now, your almost ready to start cooking!

I had worked on the menu all week as I realised that I would be unlikely still to get most ingredients from the dreaded Co-op so I decided to use up a few things I had around the house and garden to create a delicious outside dining experience.

Preparation:

So, for a nice starter I had a root around in the pond and found a couple of old frogs which I basted, French style, in a tasty Nutella marinade and put to one side. 

I cracked open a can of stout...Party time!

I really fancied a nibble while I was cooking so threw on a couple of sheep penis kebabs, out of the freezer, that a farming friend of mine had brought me back from his holidays in Llandudno last year. A great chewy welsh treat!

For the main course I went for it big style, I have to admit, with a sensational surf and turf combo using some 

freshly trapped rats from the coal shed, that I’d drowned 

humanely in a bucket of cold water, together with a sautéed sustainable goldfish and lobster bisque netted directly from the fish tank.

 

Who needs the Coop when you can forage fresh food like this?

Method:

Cook over hot coals until the blood stops oozing out, eyeballs turn white and turn over when fur has blackened. Keep grooving along to the 80’s tunes and guzzling wine from a box stopping only when your eyes can’t stand anymore smoke or the 

track finishes.

The BBQ was a real success...and I was just about to plan another for next week when 

I heard the phone ringing...

.

.

.

.

.

.

I swear I’d only been inside on the landline a couple of minutes or say, half an hour at the most, but I didn’t expect all the neighbours to be out moaning and making such a damn fuss about nothing when I came back out....

bloody spoilsports!...pass the ketchup!

Have a dance to this....Still a banger!...The band ‘Ash’, off the album ‘Meltdown’ and the final track ‘Burn baby burn’, ticking all boxes for the blog link here....it’s not just thrown together!

This is the Modern World...

What kind of a fool do you think I am?
You think I know nothing of the modern world?

I spy with my little eye something that sounds like Pie....

I love a pie, everyone does, and being a thick northerner, pies play an important part of our everyday lives, very much like telephones...you really can’t live without one. 

So imagine my surprise when I heard that there was a new mobile on the market called an Android pie phone!

Wow...

“This is the modern world that I've learnt about...”

I must have missed that episode of ‘Tomorrows World’ when Raymond Baxter predicted this futuristic thing would happen in 2020...

...I needed to get one....at all costs...This was definitely the phone for me!!

“In Yorkshire slang a pork pie is sometimes called a "growler"

To be honest, I heard about these new phones second hand from a bloke who worked with another fella that I knew, and his missus used to work in the The Carphone Warehouse so knew a bit about this new technology. Anyway it’s a new, exciting thing, probably to do with this 5g gubbins that is the ‘fifth generation of wireless communications technologies supporting cellular data networks’....if I’m not mistaken!

Iv read that David Icke isn’t a great fan of it but he still thinks the Queen is a lizard so in my book I reckon he’s still a bloody crackpot!

But anyhow, did I mention it’s called an Android pie phone...Awesome!

I put my wellies on and set off down to Greggs for some essential shopping in my furloughed dinner hour and was really surprised there wasn’t a queue for them already, so, not wanting to look daft, I peered through the window first, to see if I could see one....nothing...well nothing but pies...and sausage rolls...damn!

You must have to order them online, I thought 💭 

Trudging slowly back I started to wonder what they would be like. I pictured like a round, meat and potato shaped affair with a stylish crust and a central keypad. I wondered if, when you left it charging up overnight, it got warm and you could slip it in your trouser pocket?

Of all the phones Iv had Iv never had one like this before...Wow...technology has moved on so much since the 1g day’s when the WAP protocol was to take some 2p’s 

with you to the local GPO phone box and shove them in when you heard the pips...

Long before all this fancy roaming and hands free telephoning took off!

Back home I cranked up the computer and typed in ‘Pie’ and pressed ↩️return...Ooh, I wish I hadn’t...just look at all them tasty, crusty, deep-dish, savoury, steak and ale, homemade, deliciously baked, shortcrust sensations....Mmmm....Pies!

But no phone pies..?

Who would make such a product?....Ah, I know....Apple!

.ok, type again...’Apple pie’,↩️

More lovely pies, but sweet crumbles and filo strudels as well...

I needed to be more specific, obviously, and include the word ‘telephone’

I got out my credit card in readiness and typed in ‘New Android Pie telephone’..↩️

🔝🔝🔝🔝Top hit🔝🔝🔝🔝

https://www.android.com/versions/pie-9-0/

Really!?

.........

It’s just a normal looking crap mobile telephone!?

Nothing resembling anything to do with pies?

Oh, the disappointment...

Smells like Teen Spirit...

angst

/aŋst/

noun

1. a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition or the state of the world in general.

One thing Iv noticed that this lockdown has done 

is that it’s got everyone a lot fitter!

Iv never known so many people, who quite frankly were the quintessential lazy fat-arsed sods of the community, now seem sooo desperate to excercise or...to be seen to be exercising. We 

Why is this?

Before the restrictions, most folk couldn’t get up in a morning. 

Then, when they had hauled their lardy arses out of bed, they would set off reluctantly, driving half asleep to work, eating crisps and pies and then returning as soon as they could, on flexitime, to lie on their moth-eaten sofa’s and complain like hell if even an ‘advert’ came on for anything remotely active, like Peloton bikes or Nike trainers.

Since the old rubber-faced Michael Gove came on the telly and told them they were restricted they have sworn blind that it’s their God given humanitarian right to joggle around the park, dodging the hazardous dog doo’s, and nobody, but nobody is gonna tell them they can’t...virus or no virus, they are sticking to the constitution and they is going OUT.

So now, the newly ordered big daft headphones have arrived from Amazon and the old 

‘Fatbit’ has been dug out the drawer and charged up. Special anti-wobble licra fabric garments are then donned until they are stretched over all the folds and then the athletic-pathetic ‘look’ is completed with a jaunty baseball cap. 

“Hey, look at me...I’m going for my run”

MY run...all of a sudden??

⏱

A pink plastic water carrier is then filled with a sprout juice and lime zest combo and matching pink watches and alarms are synchronised in readiness....

...and then they are off...1 hour and counting...

⏱

On 59.45 minutes on the timer they arrive home, key in the door, exhausted and sweaty but elated at another PB...Stop the clock!

⏱

They have completed the 1.3km circuit around the trim track, up past the duck pond and even managed a chat with the postman while only stopping the clock briefly to nip in the SPAR to pick up a Daily Mail, some fags and a Kit-Kat for the way back.....

all this in under an hour!

...aren’t they just great?

Not only have they beaten their own personal best but more importantly they have got one over on the nasty Micheal Gove and the rest of the Tory Trotsky’s. So it’s now time for a celebratory fry 🍳up and a couple of cans of Strongbow in front of the telly with a pungent aroma of Ralgex and Deep Heat filling the room...

 

Well, they deserve it....they should really get the 👏CLAP 👏too...

...or maybe save that for next time they go out....🤔

Join me in my angst with this great track, amazing riff and off a classic album ‘Nevermind’ by a fella that went on to blow his brains because he got fed up of living in a delusional society.

Sound of the Suburbs...

“This is the sound,

This is the sound of the Suburbs...”

Self Isolating isn’t a new thing, Iv been doing it for ages.

Ever since I decided that the neighbours were a bunch of tossers and I planted a leylandii hedge that grew about 20ft a year for the last 10 years in order to give him a Seasonal Affected Disorder(SAD).

Last week their tortoise crawled into the garden so I rang them and they didn’t seem keen for me to throw it back over so I decided to take the chainsaw to it...not the tortoise, I hasten to add....the hedge!

It’s now only 2ft high about 10ft wide so ideal now for social distancing.

With the hedge gone, and the barrier broken, we are best of friends again now that we have re-connected thanks only to a global pandemic.

This morning I called over and waved to Malcolm as I could hear him practicing his cazoo. He was self- hibernating in his shed, as he was at a loose end, so was making a musical vlog about his screw collection to post on EweTube.

Now we get on really great again.

During this sunny weather he sits in his loose fitting underpants in a low deckchair on his patio and I can lay totally naked in my hammock, knitting a scarf and we chat away about old times. Recapping memories before his missus left him, his alcoholism and before his punk daughter stole our Volkswagen and ran off with the wife’s physio from the hospital.

We have now moved on from the dark days of our annoying neighbourhood disputes, of which there were a few.

Now we can have a laugh when we recalled the time when I threatened to ‘chop off his cock’ if he ever parked his car in front of my bloody drive ever again. He got me back though by sticking a potato up my exhaust pipe during the night....Oh, we did laugh.

“Remember when I caught you watching my new flat screen telly with binoculars?”

“...and how angry I got when I came back from Tenerife early and found you filling your paddling pool with my hosepipe....”

We giggled.

I knew he’d spent years putting his dogs muck in my bin and flicking his snails over into my veg patch.

 “Do you remember when you had that summer barbecue”, he asked....I did...

OMG...I did...

It was midnight on my 40th and he complained to the coppers about the loud reggie and the smoke but it all got a little out of hand when my nephew Derek was ‘wasted’ and ate all the seed out of his bird feeder for a bet and then went for a piss in his fishpond and fell in....

“You did get me back by cutting through my ariel with your hedge-cutters and posting that sex toy through my letterbox on New Years Eve...”

“Have you still got MY hedge-cutters?”

We cracked open another can and the conversation moved on to why he also still had my drill in his shed? I also 

quizzed him on the leaf blower that I lent to him and it never ever worked the same 

again!...still, that’s just water under the bridge.

“How is your son doing?”, I asked....

I wish I hadn’t, as it turns out his old habit of stealing ladies lingerie off the washing lines got steadily worse and he lost his job at Greggs and is now in Her Magesteys Service having been caught in bed with the vicar and a labradoodle one Sunday morning.

A quick game, over the hedge, with the frisbee soon cheered him up again.

“ I’m going to put a longer string on the swing 🎾ball so we can have a knock about” I told him.

...And then I noticed my bloody wheelbarrow propped up against his garage wall..

...not to worry, I bought a better one from B&Q!

We are thinking of having a quiz next week and a virtual run together and if we can remember we are going to have a clap together on the front porch next Friday...

I’m just not going to tell him that I’m still using his WiFi...

“Same old boring Sunday morning old mans out washing the car,
Mums in the kitchen cooking Sunday dinner

Her best meal moaning while it lasts
Johnnys upstairs in his bedroom sitting in the dark,
Annoying the neighbours with his punk rock 🎸 “