Alternative Ulster...

 As the lockdown gets slowly unlocked it’s almost time to try and have another jaunt away somewhere for some much needed R&R and blog inspiration.

The dilemma though is where can I go?

 Parts of the U.K. like Manchester, Birmingham, Leicester and sunny Burnley are out of bounds on the grounds that the virus lurks hither and they are all crap places anyway for a holiday so I had to think further afield. 

Perhaps Jamaica, Puerto Rico or Israel? 

Ryan Air didn’t seem to have any cheap seats going or short break offers!

Maybe visit our old European friends Italy, Spain or French France ?....but with the slumping pound and old depressing Brexit debate getting a bit tetchy these days with International treaties being ripped up and tariff terrorism rife then maybe its best to give them a miss as I may also be required to consider ‘self-mutilation’ on return depending on the exit rules or I might risk getting ‘caught by fuzz’ eager to use the very latest impressive and highly efficient Tracking, Tracing and Exterminating technology.

I can’t consider the USA either, as its not safe to walk the streets there anymore without the vigilante police 👮‍♂️ ‘popping a cap in ur ass’ as you step out of the ‘all ya can eat diner’ and anyway, they are all getting worked up into a frenzy with the election of one of two old donkeys that will probably trigger civil war/race wars/Star Wars and raging forest fires for years to come!

Russia was dismissed again as its too bloody cold and I’m not wanting to get poisoned.

Belarus is too crowded these days and the same with the Greek Islands but for different reasons!

So where oh where can I go?....a moral dilemma!

Suddenly I was inspired by Greta Thunderbird, of 90’s pop combo ‘Extinct rebellion’ ...well any sort of rebellion appeals to this recalcitrant troubadour really, so I decided to jump on the trendy carbon neutral wagon wheel.

The trip would need to be ethical, address our well-being, raise awareness for something and inspire social adhesion during these unprecedented times so we would need a challenge that offered an opportunity to collaborate with our colleagues, participate in teamwork whilst fulfilling our own inspirations through self awareness and gratification in places of worship or ‘pubs’ as we like to refer to them as.

Such a proposition would no doubt embrace climate change, destroy capitalism and do my tiny bit for the environment so I decided not to fly, train or boat...oh, hang on...well, I don’t suppose ferries count that much for emissions do they?

Our very own ‘Tour de Planet’ concept was born...

It was to be an endurance bicycle trip of over 3 days and would make a clear statement to the world and push our athletic bodies to the limit during an adventurous journey of a lifetime that would take in a rough sea crossing, a capital city and a lake...

You’ve guessed it, we are off to the Emerald Alley of Northern Eireland....

part motherland, part fatherland, part United, part City...well, the little Proddy bit up north that I learnt about during my childhood when every night it featured on the news during the 70’s for one reason or another.

I’m hoping it’s changed a bit as Iv never been before...

This weekend will be the signal to Pack up ‘the troubles’ in our old kit bags and panniers along with a few pairs of undies and small pot of sudacrem (other soothing bottom and chaffing lotions are available).

It will be much like going abroad but the language and the Covid rules will be similar to Lancashire but only the voices will sound different and the rules will probably get interpreted just a bit differently for some reason?

Anyhow, No euros or passports to worry about and the food and drink shouldnt give us too many ‘Belly-Wazz’ problems if we stick to the local diet of potatoes and Guinness.

To do my bit for ‘extinct rebellion’ I intend to travel by bicycle and take an old Catholic pensioner along for a ride accompanied by a dour Scottish dodo wearing the leaders  ‘orange’ jersey on a peaceful procession up the cobbles of the Shankhill Road to raise awareness of our campaign ....what could possibly go wrong?

Watch this space...or the News!

I had to sneak in an old punk favourite here and a band from Northern Ireland that I saw later at King George’s Hall in Blackburn, turn up the volume and enjoy them here in their prime.

A life in Quarantine...

Welcome to another Lockdown special....

...I am pleased to announce that my blog is being relaxed so you no longer need to be 

2 metres apart, kneeling on anyone’s neck or wearing a mask when you read it...

I have taken advice and have decided that after ten weeks of growing hair and pacing around listening to podcasts I deserve a break from it all so, as I have loads of annual leave that I have to use up by next month, I looked out of the window at the rain and decided it was time to take a break from it all...So Iv booked two weeks off!....Yipeee....

To be honest I’d got a bit bored watching Sir Matt of Hand-Cock every night so I haven’t been following the news so I thought I’d better catch up before I book my two week extravaganza in the sun.

On first glance the gist of it seemed to be that our trusty government has now got a good handle on the Covid19 situation, all testing targets have been met, everyone has stayed inside and/or alert (apart from one stray idiot that they found wandering around Barnard Castle) and the U.K. is united in its policies and has a clear exit strategy to allow us all to go on holiday again to Magaluff and the Far East....Contingency Planning was now all in place for Covid20 and the shops are stocked back up.

Oh, hang on....but what is this...??

Race riots? Quarantine?

Massive queues for McDonalds?

Second wave of virus?

Traffic jams at beauty spots?

Death of Dumble-Door ?

The country is in chaos....

It’s worse...You can’t buy a hot-tub, barbecue or bicycle for love nor money!

Don’t talk to me about idiots panic buying bedding plants either!

I love the unity that the United Kingdom oozes, In Dublin they are already supping Guinness in the smokey pubs and having weekly ‘Kayleighs’, while the Welsh have cautiously opened a Honda garage and a recycling centre on the outskirts of Cardiff. Nicola’s brave Scots are using a ‘stay at home’ Gps APP and watching Netflix and are still not allowed to eat vegetables while the English have adopted a more ‘mixed-message’ approach with no daylight curfew for the homeless and unlimited walks, with or without a dog, up to 500 miles or the nearest border(albeit adhering to social distancing rules and following a one-way system). Because we have been so good we can now buy cars, cones of chips and play golf as long as it’s not done inside and you can have as many bbq’s as you like as long as you buy the sausages from a local butcher, use contactless payment, and eat them with someone you have known for less than 15 minutes, that doesn’t have a cough, a cat or is boring or has passed a test or is learning to drive wearing nothing but an old pair of spectacles and/or Speedo’s.

If nothing else, this blog has maintained a clear message with no ambiguity which is what these 4 countries (not including the IOM) need to start adhering to....

The PM needs to get a grip...!

Who’s advising him?...it’s as if some dodgy un-apologetic travel blogger is allowing these Cummins and goings and spreading the wrong message to the forgotten souls of the U.K. Commonwealth...what they need is to initiate a 5 phase alert plan system to get us all out of this mess...and bloody quickly or I will personally trigger another lockdown. 

Phase1 - send all them pesky kids, of all nationalities,  back to school and ban them from beaches, parks and beauty spots.

Phase2 - get them old folk tested and out of the Care homes and into the fields to get some fresh air, picking vegetables and fruit.

Phase 3 - Give the key workers some more overtime and an opportunity to earn more...that way, they can pay more taxes to pay for all the idle sods who are still at home supposedly ‘home-working’!

Phase 4 - in progress 

Phase5 - further progress - Zoom meeting TBA.

With this clarity, it will allow all us able-bodied, working class heroes to get out of bed and back on to the streets for an unprecedented stroll without tripping over toddlers and walking sticks, help with social distancing in the Coop and go a long way to improve my mental wellbeing no-end so I can clearly focus on booking a much needed holiday and pedicure appointment.

...and another thing, has everyone forgot where the iron is because there a lot of scruffy buggers hanging around the Coop queues these days!

If you have to come out of your house at least make a bloody effort...it’s your civic duty you lazy sods...

This blog track is an unprecedented new 2020 track by an old lad that was a lead singer in a band I used to really like, “Death Cab for Cutie”...a great band with a great band name...enjoy  his new solo track here.

Trash...

Iv had a lot of time to do a lot of reading recently and I read an article suggesting people have too much stuff so I got to thinking that I might have a bit too much stuff too??....so I looked up about it and found out that I was getting worryingly near to level 5...

What does that mean I hear you say.....well look here⤵️

The National Study Group on Compulsive Disorganization created a clutter hoarding scale with five levels of hoarding.
...
Hoarding Level 5

• Clutter filling bathrooms and kitchen.
• At least four too many pets, per local regulations.
• Noticeable human faeces.
• Rotting food on surfaces and inside a non-working refrigerator.

The guilt was too much so I started straight away in the bathroom and kitchen cupboards. Out went the chip-pan, a slow cooker, an unused nutribullet and three gallons of tainted cooking oil....that’s a start....and then up the lift to one of the bathrooms to get rid of some Spanish toothpaste, an old loofah and about six dozen boxes of toilet rolls...only God knows why I bought so many!

Next, back again downstairs, I opened the back door and with a little nudge of my foot, the cat slipped out, followed by Jorge the gerbil and then, when no one was looking, I tipped the contents of the vivarium over the hedge into next door’s....I know that was more than four but I couldn’t leave just one Egyptian mamba on its own now could I?

Now to the big steaming pile of human faeces...I’d been meaning to tackle it for a while but just hadn’t got round to it, until now. I got out the wheelbarrow and a shovel and made a start but realised that, on my own, it was going to take bloody ages! 

Unsure quite what to do with it I thought I’d better bag it up and then it can stay out of the way under the stairs until the recycling centre is open again, hopefully in a couple of weeks...C’mon BoJo, give me a break!!

After a cup of tea I turned to tackle the last thing on the list, ah yes, the rotting food in the fridge....to be honest, some of it didn’t smell that bad and if you were really hungry or a bit squiffy-drunk on Pimms. I reckon you could make a decent fry up or a tasty butty with most of it. Admittedly, the fusty Camembert did honk a bit, and maybe the mouldy meat pie but the half tub of Shipham’s bloater paste and the experimental squid biryani still smelt ok and were definitely worth keeping for a few more days. The putrid dish of congealed pigs liver definitely had to go and so did the rank leftovers from grandads funeral last week but apart from the slightly sour milk the rest was fine.

And they are right...you do feel a lot better getting shut of a few things, I feel quite proud of myself...

But maybe I should sell some stuff to make a profit on DumbTree?..to some unsuspecting plonk that might feel the need for some old junk?

I might have a look in the loft...

I’m not the only one doing this. I saw a website the other day offering 

Webuyanyplane.com for all the surplus aircraft that no one wants anymore??

Back to the 90’s again for this blog track from Suede.

Who’s in Control...

So was anyone else disappointed?

Who wanted to see the owd lad on the five o clock podium?

Is he swinging the lead?

Taken a flexi day?

It would have been a lot better if maybe he had just made an appearance on a chaotic Zoom meeting, working from home like everyone else. At least then we could have been treated to...

“Boris...has joined the meeting”...

...with his bed-hair sticking up and watching him fumbling about while he worked out why no one could hear him and then all of a sudden just go off...then reappear...still no sound...gesticulating...coughing...oh, thumbs up...pointing to his screen....miming the words ‘what do I press?’ as he held up an old spectrum computer...

Meanwhile the Right Honourable Matty the muppet Hand-Cock is furiously pointing to his own mute key, annoyed by his boss’s pathetic awkward interactions, he starts tapping on his keyboard trying to re-send him the email instruction.

...Exasperated, Boris slowly shakes his head, takes off his headphones and stands up, scratching his cods through his Y fronts and walks out of the camera shot...

“Boris...has left the meeting”...

It been a testing time...

But I’m glad he’s back, leading from the rear, and now with added immunity.

Perhaps he’s out on his bike delivering testing kits like a demented Deliveroo rider?

But he has been busy while he’s been up at Chequers...

Iv kept up with his amusing daily blog while he’s been off and have enjoyed using his ‘Tik-Tok’ dance routines everyday, doing the ‘Macarena’ to help me to not only keep fit but to stay inside and support the NHS during the lockdown. There’s been his popular weekly ‘Brexit Quiz’ and Iv very much appreciated his  ‘Cooking with BoJo’ daily podcasts where he’s been sharing some of his mothers favourite recipes especially the roasted venison with the partridge bouillon and dauphinois potatoes cooked in the bottom drawer of the Aga....Mmmm!

“Isolation doesn’t get better than this...”

 Iv also been lucky enough to have had an extended virtual tour of 10 Downing Street with a peek through the secret door round the back into ‘Rishi’s’ new conservatory and then an ‘Access All Areas’ virtual pass gave me an exclusive look around Porton Down with a free virtual ‘tasting’ at the end, courtesy of the NHS.

Thanks for nothing Big Man

Who’s in Control?

A single from by Cumbrian band British Sea Power off their 2011 album Valhalla Dancehall. Enjoy it again here. 

P.s. contains bad language and nudity...sorry!

Half the world away...

When I can’t find what I’m looking for on the High Street I often think to myself “ if only I was nearer to Myanmar” with its swish shopping malls and plethora of pound shops.

So obviously that’s why it was our governments first choice for all things PPE.

But then I got to thinking...

Why?

Myanmar or Burma was still occupied and ruled by the Burmese military junta until 2011. A previously isolated country famous now for its government's barbaric treatment of ethnic minorities, its ongoing  genocide against the Rohingya Muslims and various other Human rights violations against unarmed protesters that have been widely condemned by the rest of the world. It is not a member of the Commonwealth of Nations having only had democracy for ten years and even now, most of the north of the country is still ‘off-limits’ and still today only 25% of the country has electricity.

It’s a perfect trading partner...fulfilling all our values and embracing the essence of Buddhism which is full of wisdom, strength and dignity...

 

“I can feel the warning signs running around my mind...”

So how did it go?

Obviously the email was missed/ignored/rejected that came from just across the water from our Ex-girlfriends in the EU so, ok we don’t want to play with you anymore so we contacted our new sexy Asian Tinder date to see what services they could offer.

Our new relationship would require a steady hand and lots of protection so our top man for the job, Matt Hand-Cock would be tasked to make a telephone order for ‘a 

plane load of face masks’ to arrive as early as last week, cash job, no questions asked from Laura Kronenburg...please?

Our new flame, Huw Flung Dung, Head of the Junta took the order and then scratched his head as he looked around the dusty streets of Rangoon to see who could make them and remembered that there used to be an old sewing machine up at the Buddhist temple that they use to make repairs to torn orange habits. He marched straight up there, got all the lazy, good-for-nothing monks together and told them “Right lads, Stop trailing about collecting alms and spinning them prayer wheels and start knocking out face masks, I want 100,000 by the end of the week!”

Where’s me Jumper?...

I tell you what there does seem to be a lot about....and that’s Hair!!

I’m thinking of joining a band...I can’t play guitar, drums or sing but I reckon I could get in with the hair alone. It’s now a cross between the lead singer of poison and the one with the massive Afro in the 70s animated cartoon ‘The Hair Bear Bunch’ (one for the kids there...keepin’ it real, innit?)

So, Help, Help, here come the bears!

But I’m not rushing straight back to ‘Fast Frank’s’ after all this, I’m going to embrace 

the moment and have been inspired by watching a lot more tv and keeping a close eye on the pompadour styles of the rich and famous, whether it’s Boris’ scruffy mongrel dog look or Donald’s ‘flapping in the wind’ stick on wig style Iv realised that I need to use this
unprecedented opportunity to my advantage.

Iv got mates who are disappointingly ‘ Bald as coots’ or ‘badgers’ and live miserable lives having to wear flat caps, balaclavas or tam’o’shanters just to try to fit into 

society.

( It turned out that the expression “as bald as a badger” comes from Victorian times when the original expression was: “as bald as a badger's backside”. Badger's hair was used to make men's shaving brushes. Brush makers would trap badgers and take the hair from their derrieres and then set them free.)
...I wondered why they shot the pesky sods!!

So, I’m thinking of going for a Micheal Bolton 80s straggly thinning look but with a classic 70’s Rod Stewart bouffant and either a Billy Ray Cyrus mullet or a David Beckham ponytail.

What do you think?

For the facial hair I’m going for a classic Magnum PI tash but incorporating a fashionable Harold Shipman serial killer look so when I peer into the local Care Home window they won’t know if I’m coming to help them find their purse or planning something a lot more sinister...

Who needs a job after this??

I’m going to join a band, learn to smoke ganja and travel the world shaking maracas and reciting poetry....

....I’m off...

...hang on

....If i can’t find my jumper I won’t be going anywhere...

A great opportunity to play a song by one of the first bands I ever saw for £2.50 in the North End club...the Sultans of Ping FC. a band from Cork with a singer dressed in a pink tutu and tights, feather boa and a woolly green Irish football hat blew my mind with crazy lyrics and huge riffs....money well spent...Happy Dayz!

My Favourite game...

Did anyone see the game last night?

Wow, if you missed it it was one of the best games of rugby I have ever seen.

A packed crowd of 109,000 fans.

This match was not for the faint-hearted.

Edge of your seat stuff right from the kick off.

Incredible individual and team performances meant it was a free flowing spectacular spectacle in near perfect conditions.

One of the best wingers in the world.

Backs as hard as nails.

2 absolutely fantastic sneaky scrum halves.

Massive hits and brutality from all the forwards clearing EVERY ruck!

More points could have been on offer had the kickers been more accurate but for sheer passion, energy and skills this will take some beating and I’m sure that we will be talking about this game for years to come.

Oh sorry, you missed it??

What the hell were you doing?

I bet you feel a bit of a fool now don’t you?

Well I won’t tell you the score, just take the cork out of a bottle of red, pour half a glass and sit back for an 80 minute rollercoaster ride....I assure you, you will not be disappointed.

Here you go...click and watch the full game here.

https://youtu.be/rDfkCftBurQ

Right, I’m off now as Iv got a fiver on a fella called Buster Douglas to knock out Mike Tyson in the 10th round after getting up off the canvas in the 8th....wish me luck!

A link here from an old favourite, a Swedish indie pop band from 1998.