Trash...

Iv had a lot of time to do a lot of reading recently and I read an article suggesting people have too much stuff so I got to thinking that I might have a bit too much stuff too??....so I looked up about it and found out that I was getting worryingly near to level 5...

What does that mean I hear you say.....well look here⤵️

The National Study Group on Compulsive Disorganization created a clutter hoarding scale with five levels of hoarding.
...
Hoarding Level 5

• Clutter filling bathrooms and kitchen.
• At least four too many pets, per local regulations.
• Noticeable human faeces.
• Rotting food on surfaces and inside a non-working refrigerator.

The guilt was too much so I started straight away in the bathroom and kitchen cupboards. Out went the chip-pan, a slow cooker, an unused nutribullet and three gallons of tainted cooking oil....that’s a start....and then up the lift to one of the bathrooms to get rid of some Spanish toothpaste, an old loofah and about six dozen boxes of toilet rolls...only God knows why I bought so many!

Next, back again downstairs, I opened the back door and with a little nudge of my foot, the cat slipped out, followed by Jorge the gerbil and then, when no one was looking, I tipped the contents of the vivarium over the hedge into next door’s....I know that was more than four but I couldn’t leave just one Egyptian mamba on its own now could I?

Now to the big steaming pile of human faeces...I’d been meaning to tackle it for a while but just hadn’t got round to it, until now. I got out the wheelbarrow and a shovel and made a start but realised that, on my own, it was going to take bloody ages! 

Unsure quite what to do with it I thought I’d better bag it up and then it can stay out of the way under the stairs until the recycling centre is open again, hopefully in a couple of weeks...C’mon BoJo, give me a break!!

After a cup of tea I turned to tackle the last thing on the list, ah yes, the rotting food in the fridge....to be honest, some of it didn’t smell that bad and if you were really hungry or a bit squiffy-drunk on Pimms. I reckon you could make a decent fry up or a tasty butty with most of it. Admittedly, the fusty Camembert did honk a bit, and maybe the mouldy meat pie but the half tub of Shipham’s bloater paste and the experimental squid biryani still smelt ok and were definitely worth keeping for a few more days. The putrid dish of congealed pigs liver definitely had to go and so did the rank leftovers from grandads funeral last week but apart from the slightly sour milk the rest was fine.

And they are right...you do feel a lot better getting shut of a few things, I feel quite proud of myself...

But maybe I should sell some stuff to make a profit on DumbTree?..to some unsuspecting plonk that might feel the need for some old junk?

I might have a look in the loft...

I’m not the only one doing this. I saw a website the other day offering 

Webuyanyplane.com for all the surplus aircraft that no one wants anymore??

Back to the 90’s again for this blog track from Suede.

Who’s in Control...

So was anyone else disappointed?

Who wanted to see the owd lad on the five o clock podium?

Is he swinging the lead?

Taken a flexi day?

It would have been a lot better if maybe he had just made an appearance on a chaotic Zoom meeting, working from home like everyone else. At least then we could have been treated to...

“Boris...has joined the meeting”...

...with his bed-hair sticking up and watching him fumbling about while he worked out why no one could hear him and then all of a sudden just go off...then reappear...still no sound...gesticulating...coughing...oh, thumbs up...pointing to his screen....miming the words ‘what do I press?’ as he held up an old spectrum computer...

Meanwhile the Right Honourable Matty the muppet Hand-Cock is furiously pointing to his own mute key, annoyed by his boss’s pathetic awkward interactions, he starts tapping on his keyboard trying to re-send him the email instruction.

...Exasperated, Boris slowly shakes his head, takes off his headphones and stands up, scratching his cods through his Y fronts and walks out of the camera shot...

“Boris...has left the meeting”...

It been a testing time...

But I’m glad he’s back, leading from the rear, and now with added immunity.

Perhaps he’s out on his bike delivering testing kits like a demented Deliveroo rider?

But he has been busy while he’s been up at Chequers...

Iv kept up with his amusing daily blog while he’s been off and have enjoyed using his ‘Tik-Tok’ dance routines everyday, doing the ‘Macarena’ to help me to not only keep fit but to stay inside and support the NHS during the lockdown. There’s been his popular weekly ‘Brexit Quiz’ and Iv very much appreciated his  ‘Cooking with BoJo’ daily podcasts where he’s been sharing some of his mothers favourite recipes especially the roasted venison with the partridge bouillon and dauphinois potatoes cooked in the bottom drawer of the Aga....Mmmm!

“Isolation doesn’t get better than this...”

 Iv also been lucky enough to have had an extended virtual tour of 10 Downing Street with a peek through the secret door round the back into ‘Rishi’s’ new conservatory and then an ‘Access All Areas’ virtual pass gave me an exclusive look around Porton Down with a free virtual ‘tasting’ at the end, courtesy of the NHS.

Thanks for nothing Big Man

Who’s in Control?

A single from by Cumbrian band British Sea Power off their 2011 album Valhalla Dancehall. Enjoy it again here. 

P.s. contains bad language and nudity...sorry!

Half the world away...

When I can’t find what I’m looking for on the High Street I often think to myself “ if only I was nearer to Myanmar” with its swish shopping malls and plethora of pound shops.

So obviously that’s why it was our governments first choice for all things PPE.

But then I got to thinking...

Why?

Myanmar or Burma was still occupied and ruled by the Burmese military junta until 2011. A previously isolated country famous now for its government's barbaric treatment of ethnic minorities, its ongoing  genocide against the Rohingya Muslims and various other Human rights violations against unarmed protesters that have been widely condemned by the rest of the world. It is not a member of the Commonwealth of Nations having only had democracy for ten years and even now, most of the north of the country is still ‘off-limits’ and still today only 25% of the country has electricity.

It’s a perfect trading partner...fulfilling all our values and embracing the essence of Buddhism which is full of wisdom, strength and dignity...

 

“I can feel the warning signs running around my mind...”

So how did it go?

Obviously the email was missed/ignored/rejected that came from just across the water from our Ex-girlfriends in the EU so, ok we don’t want to play with you anymore so we contacted our new sexy Asian Tinder date to see what services they could offer.

Our new relationship would require a steady hand and lots of protection so our top man for the job, Matt Hand-Cock would be tasked to make a telephone order for ‘a 

plane load of face masks’ to arrive as early as last week, cash job, no questions asked from Laura Kronenburg...please?

Our new flame, Huw Flung Dung, Head of the Junta took the order and then scratched his head as he looked around the dusty streets of Rangoon to see who could make them and remembered that there used to be an old sewing machine up at the Buddhist temple that they use to make repairs to torn orange habits. He marched straight up there, got all the lazy, good-for-nothing monks together and told them “Right lads, Stop trailing about collecting alms and spinning them prayer wheels and start knocking out face masks, I want 100,000 by the end of the week!”

Where’s me Jumper?...

I tell you what there does seem to be a lot about....and that’s Hair!!

I’m thinking of joining a band...I can’t play guitar, drums or sing but I reckon I could get in with the hair alone. It’s now a cross between the lead singer of poison and the one with the massive Afro in the 70s animated cartoon ‘The Hair Bear Bunch’ (one for the kids there...keepin’ it real, innit?)

So, Help, Help, here come the bears!

But I’m not rushing straight back to ‘Fast Frank’s’ after all this, I’m going to embrace 

the moment and have been inspired by watching a lot more tv and keeping a close eye on the pompadour styles of the rich and famous, whether it’s Boris’ scruffy mongrel dog look or Donald’s ‘flapping in the wind’ stick on wig style Iv realised that I need to use this
unprecedented opportunity to my advantage.

Iv got mates who are disappointingly ‘ Bald as coots’ or ‘badgers’ and live miserable lives having to wear flat caps, balaclavas or tam’o’shanters just to try to fit into 

society.

( It turned out that the expression “as bald as a badger” comes from Victorian times when the original expression was: “as bald as a badger's backside”. Badger's hair was used to make men's shaving brushes. Brush makers would trap badgers and take the hair from their derrieres and then set them free.)
...I wondered why they shot the pesky sods!!

So, I’m thinking of going for a Micheal Bolton 80s straggly thinning look but with a classic 70’s Rod Stewart bouffant and either a Billy Ray Cyrus mullet or a David Beckham ponytail.

What do you think?

For the facial hair I’m going for a classic Magnum PI tash but incorporating a fashionable Harold Shipman serial killer look so when I peer into the local Care Home window they won’t know if I’m coming to help them find their purse or planning something a lot more sinister...

Who needs a job after this??

I’m going to join a band, learn to smoke ganja and travel the world shaking maracas and reciting poetry....

....I’m off...

...hang on

....If i can’t find my jumper I won’t be going anywhere...

A great opportunity to play a song by one of the first bands I ever saw for £2.50 in the North End club...the Sultans of Ping FC. a band from Cork with a singer dressed in a pink tutu and tights, feather boa and a woolly green Irish football hat blew my mind with crazy lyrics and huge riffs....money well spent...Happy Dayz!

My Favourite game...

Did anyone see the game last night?

Wow, if you missed it it was one of the best games of rugby I have ever seen.

A packed crowd of 109,000 fans.

This match was not for the faint-hearted.

Edge of your seat stuff right from the kick off.

Incredible individual and team performances meant it was a free flowing spectacular spectacle in near perfect conditions.

One of the best wingers in the world.

Backs as hard as nails.

2 absolutely fantastic sneaky scrum halves.

Massive hits and brutality from all the forwards clearing EVERY ruck!

More points could have been on offer had the kickers been more accurate but for sheer passion, energy and skills this will take some beating and I’m sure that we will be talking about this game for years to come.

Oh sorry, you missed it??

What the hell were you doing?

I bet you feel a bit of a fool now don’t you?

Well I won’t tell you the score, just take the cork out of a bottle of red, pour half a glass and sit back for an 80 minute rollercoaster ride....I assure you, you will not be disappointed.

Here you go...click and watch the full game here.

https://youtu.be/rDfkCftBurQ

Right, I’m off now as Iv got a fiver on a fella called Buster Douglas to knock out Mike Tyson in the 10th round after getting up off the canvas in the 8th....wish me luck!

A link here from an old favourite, a Swedish indie pop band from 1998.

Protection...

Have you ever been mis-sold PPE?

Don’t miss out, you will need to claim by end of 2020 if you have bought any PPE stupidly or by mistake.

Did you go to B&Q for a tin of Dulux emulsion and accidentally end up being sold an FFPP3 face mask?

Or maybe you nipped into Travis Perkins for some quarter inch plumbing pipe and came away with a box of green nitrile 🧤 gloves?

Then you have been mis-sold this needless PPE and we want to hear from you.

This needs to stop!

Presently, with an unprecedented global demand for PPE the government has pledged to do ‘Whatever it takes’ to stop anyone who doesn’t not work for the NHS from buying, wearing and supplying these valuable resources.

So if you have been hoarding stocks in your airing cupboard for your occasional trips down to the Coop then you are one of the many idiots that have caused this whole sorry affair.

PPE can give valuable protection when painting and decorating, gardening and digging but under these new measures these jobs will now need to be done without any Health & Safety considerations.

Our watchdogs have prepared a handy guide for you to start completing DIY jobs successfully without using any PPE. With a little care, combined with inexperience and stupidity it is possible to complete most DIY jobs quite shoddily and in a dangerous fashion without any namby-pamby eye protection, helmets or steel toe capped boots.

Under new government legislation the use of all PPE will now be banned and anyone caught flouncing around in hi-viz jackets or wearing ear protectors will be asked politely by the local constabulary to remove them and failing that will be asked again.

Arco will close immediately and Screwfix will withdraw all protective equipment from their Spring/Summer catalogues. From today, all H&S inspectors will be re-trained under a new government apprenticeship scheme to work in shorts and T-shirt’s in Wetherspoons.

The World Health Organisation has declared that ladders, cherry pickers and welding 🎭 masks will no longer be allowed and is looking into the total ban of respiratory equipment. The NFU will immediately start an amnesty for farmers to dispose 

of wellies and protective waterproofs with total anonymity.

The message is clear:

Stay home, Don’t use protection and make lives...

You may need soft, sexy, chilled out groove so lay back and enjoy...

From 1994, Massive Attacks ‘Protection’

I am the Resurrection...

“I am the resurrection and I am the life,
I couldn't ever bring myself to hate you as I'd like...”

Now that the Easter break is behind us we can now look forward to other wondrous things happening on the religious calendar.

You’ve got it...Guess who’s coming back to a screen near you very soon?

Get ready for the Resurrection...

...or should that read ‘Reserve-Erection’!??🤭

Well, it’s looking like he was infected on the Thursday, spent the weekend in A&E, relapsed on the Monday and went to Chequers on the Tuesday and now we await him to roll away the stone, emerge from the darkness, where he has been working on the Brexit, and make a grand resurrection so the celebrations 🥳 can begin again.

Cheap Easter eggs will fill all the empty shelves in Lidl, children will stay off school and Mums and Dads across the world will not go to work in celebration of the return of the new messiah. Instead they will remain inside with boxes of wine, box sets of Luther and put up shelves and clean thine ovens. They will gleefully paint their joyous fences with creosote and welcome the saviour with open arms. (adhering to social distancing rules, obviously)🚷

They will make love with thy neighbour and fornicate and ....steady, I think that’s enough!!

But you get the picture...

(B) B.C. Prophet, Lura Kronenburg predicts that this phenomenon could happen in a matter of days.

The second coming could join his disciples 🤡in 

Downing Street as soon as Super Saturday according to Aljazeera and start performing miracles in the NHS, helping the blind to see, the lame 

to walk and the leper’s to leap again he takes back control from Raab of Dominica to rule once again over the pagan masses in the promised land.

He will give us a sign, a Curchillian gesture, and lead us forward into “ignoratio elenchi,” 

No humble shepherd or Chief Scientific Advisor will be able stop him from ‘Getting Brexit Done’ and with his new powerful divine powers he will rid the country of this ‘petulant pest’ 
that has plagued our holy land, he will cast his nets to catch 

international contracts and he will send misery and locusts to blight the lives of any European neighbour that declines to doff his beret to our victorious and righteous 🤯leader.

I know you are all dying to see him....but

What we can’t do, Is definitely say when it is safe for him to come back the nest of COBRA’s.

It is critically important that we understand the basic principles, re-examine them and then apply the fluidity in the data to see if there are variations before we relax any measures that will allow Boris to return. But you are absolutely right, this is unprecedented and we all need to get behind the curve and safeguard the green shoots which will, in turn, contribute to the overall picture which will show that we are looking very carefully at the evidence from lessons learned 

and only by reducing these numbers will the analysis of the data contribute to the bigger picture. What we need to ensure is that we make ‘The right decision at the right time’.

His message will once again be heard very clearly as he will rise up to the pulpit at approximately 5pm GMT with the divine words

“Stay home, Stay Safe and Save the NHS”

Amen 🙏

...and God bless 🇱🇷America🇱🇷too.🍣

‘I am the Resurrection’ is another ‘bangin’ tune from the glory days when Ian Brown of the Stone Roses inhabited the earth in 1992 B.C., he also gained ‘Messiah’ status thrust upon him, mostly by the N.M.E.....so, praise be to him here.

“I am the resurrection and I am the life,
I couldn't ever bring myself to hate you as I'd like...”